Pete

Ok, I'm not gonna lie. This is some bullshit, not having a legit journal and all. On the other hand, maybe it's not an entirely bad thing. There are a lot of demons in that old journal, and maybe in some grand karmic scheme, this is a small way of exorcising them. I dunno, I'm on beer three now and haven't had much to eat all day. Maybe this will be one of my more lucid posts.

Speaking of demons, I told my friend about my book idea, especially the chapter that I haven't touched in almost a month... the one about the week my dad and grandma died. He suggested that I keep at it, and he used the same words that I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, demons.

I don't know what I'd consider demons anymore. I don't think the passing of my dad and grandma really screwed with me as much as other things. Maybe because I was older and maybe because I expected it when it all hit the fan. It's all something that will have to go down on paper though, at least at one point or another, simply because it's now a large part of my identity. Well, scratch that. I'm not my dead father, but I'm a guy with one. Just like quite a few of my friends already. I'm no more or less than they are. Were the circumstances any different? Maybe, but it doesn't make it more right or wrong, or more painful.

I'd say my real demon lies in my ex that tried to kill me, aside from being the first girl I feel like I really truly loved, and had that turn to shit when she cheated on me. I think I'm legitimately over it though. I can look back and just laugh. I'm sure as hell trying to learn from it too. I'm really seriously trying to identify things that make me think or do dumb things, and while not eliminating them (I'm not God), try to limit them as much as I can, so as to better myself.

For instance, my most recent ex hit me up on the old facebook chat, asking for her stuff back. It's a stupid cake tray, and according to my friends, she'd be better off without (if you see my fb, and the pics, I'm sure we'd all agree). Long story short, she propositioned me for sex when we do this trade. For once, I told her that think it'd be a bad idea to go and plow those fields again. Back in the day, I'd be all over that. It'd be familiar and all that. This time? No shot. I'm sticking to my guns and not going back. I can't allow all that bullshit from the past to become something in the present again. I'm doing much better and I'm enjoying being me again.