How Many TImes Do I Do?

I'm waiting for tomorrow
My heart is on my sleeve
And yes, I still believe
That this New Year's Eve
Will turn out better than before
I'm holding on
Still holding on
Until they close the door on me

-Five Iron Frenzy - New Year's Eve

It's becoming something of a tradition for me to listen to that song on this day every year now, and to post it around. It's a great song, and it seems to always capture my feelings of this day. I remember when this album came out ten years ago, it was not one of my favorites; it isn't fast or upbeat. Over the years though, it's grown on me.

What happened in 2013? A lot. The second half of my Tech School happened. I was still at home for Exodus last year, and I really didn't want to go back. But went back I did, and strangely, it got to be kinda okay. The weekends were great-I hung out with Zargabaath every Saturday-and I made friends with all my classmates, and some from the next class below too. Even though I was very ready not to be at that Squadron anymore, I was kinda uncertain about the future when I left. Then Dodie and her family got me, and I was so happy to be with her. Whenever one of us had to leave, it was always the hardest. I've since come to realize that I kinda put too much of my happiness and energy into the relationship, and maybe too much pressure on her... but definitely too much into the relationship. I wasn't present mentally a lot of the time when I'd hang out with people or try to do something else other than sit on the internet and wait for her to get online. I also put too much emphasis on getting married, too quickly. No take backs in life, though.

For the first month or so though, I just stayed at Little Rock AFB. Went through FTAC, met some people that probably could've been good friends if I had put more effort in. I went to this church my friends had recommended, went to their Bible Study a couple times, and that probably could've been really good if I had mentally been there. Of course, being moved to the early shift and having to get up before the crack of dawn didn't help with my wanting to do anything at night, and it still doesn't. They trained more people on the slides, so hopefully they'll switch me off of that again some day, heh...

Over my first year here however, I think I've definitely made progress with my coworkers and supervision. I'm pretty sure they look at me as one of their best workers. I've proven that I'm always willing to just do whatever, and try to do it to the best of my abilities. I don't second guess or complain. I want the praise. Earlier this year, in fact, I was coined by our old Flight's commander. We all eventually did because the Flight was discontinued, but that just meant that I got two coins, and I was coined first. They've also given me additional duties, which while stressful, shows a trust and respect that they don't show the others. I was also the first person to pass the End of Course for my CDC's, and I was not the first person here, heh. For my pretests, I scored a 92 and a 99 percent. The actual EOC, I scored an 85, but that's still much higher than the average, which is like 75. I've also passed the two Physical Training tests I've taken here, so I've been rockin' things on the work end.

On the relationship end, well... Things did not work out. Maybe what we needed was a time of separation though, so that we could better appreciate what we are missing when we are not together. I am hoping that this will be the case. I talked to her again recently, and the things she said to me gave me a lot of hope, even though I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. We're talking about meeting some time this next month too to talk about things. I'm going to try to never have nearly all my emotions invested in a relationship and nothing else again, though, so I won't be as devastated as I was at the start of November ever again. I have a lot of books to read, a lot of games to play, exercise to do, pathways to hike, places to visit, new people to meet, old friends and family to call back home, and soon school to attend; I have two tests to take to earn my CCAF Associate's Degree, and then I will be allowed to study whatever I want to study. I will also be taking classes and meds to help with the anxiety and depression. Yay!

2013 started out with a lot of potential that built and built, but then suddenly the rug was pulled right out from underneath me and I was abandoned. I feel like I could've easily given up at that point, taken to drinking heavily and just failed my PT Test, and while I am proud of myself that that didn't happen, I also thank God for getting me through this. Going home to all my family and friends also helped tremendously, and I realized that they are only a phone call away. Overall, this very end of the year period is giving me a bit of hope that 2014 will be a good year. Perhaps even a better year. Good Times. Great Oldies. 106.3, KLOO FM.