I had a dental appointment this week and I told them I wasn't coming.

I will reschedule when I am remarried and pregnant with my second child; that should send a clear message.


Or I guess when I have dental insurance again. Grad school rules! **** teeth!

About two months ago, I went to get my teeth cleaned. My dental hygienist found out that I was recently divorced. She asked about my music, and then asked if I knew a local drummer named Scott. I did not know a local drummer named Scott.

A few days later, I get a call from my dentist's office, but I ignored it because I was busy. Then I got an email. From my dental hygienist. Saying she had been thinking about it, and Scott and I should get coffee.

I ignored the email.

Today, my dad got his teeth cleaned. My hygienist asked him if I was seeing anyone. My dad said that I was (because I am). She blew right past that obviously irrelevant information, and started telling my dad about Scott. She told my dad how great Scott is, how we would make such a cute couple, "here, look at his picture, I've told him and his parents all about Alisyn, and they think she sounds great, and he'd love to have coffee with her sometime."

Scott is 37, never married, and there's nothing at all wrong with that except that his parents probably want him settled down and having their grandbabies a year ago. That is a hefty pile of expectations with which I want nothing to do.

Two months my hygienist has been holding onto this idea. She gave my dad a card with her cell phone number on it, so that I could call her in order to set up a meeting with (presumably) husband number two.

If you thought I waited a long time between teeth cleanings before....

I was sitting at work, processing a payroll, when my body and heart decided it was time to process another piece of the divorce. I had a memory of us looking at a space we considered renting. We weren't even doing well then, but we were sustaining and I was hopeful and he was comfortable. Seemingly out of nowhere, I was quietly weeping at my desk. Thank god for tall cubical walls - which is one of the grossest things I've ever said, by the way.

I am familiar with grief, and I know this is how it works; it still catches me by surprise when it happens. Even if it was the best possible outcome, I am broken hearted over the end of my marriage - how could I not be? When I promised forever, I was pretty sure I meant it, and I certainly meant to do my best. My best wasn't enough. Not by a long shot.

When I accepted that truth, I got angry. I had so much rage over my impotence and my helplessness. I yelled, shut down, talked shit, consumed my own soul with the unfairness of it all. My anger wasn't enough, either.

I am grieving my best effort. I am grieving my righteous anger and what it did to me. I am grieving the years lost - the ones I spent, and the ones I imagined that are no longer possible. I am grieving the man I loved.

Leaving my marriage was the right choice for both of us, and I have been healthier and happier since doing it. I am still incredibly sad that I was so ineffective in my judgement and in my struggle to keep it together. It's a bit of a paradox. It isn't my fault that I was treated poorly and given second place to an addiction. It is good that I am out. And yet, I am blue that I could not nurture the relationship to the point of survival. That's the nature of codependent relationships. I know it, but I still feel.

The nature of grief is to back off long enough for you to take a step forward before it hits you with another wave, and knocks you off your tentatively placed feet. The good news for us all is that the waves become fewer and farther between. I can take more steps between waves, and I can become stronger while I walk.

I still need these waves to remind me of the depth of this event. It is in my nature to brush off emotional pain and laugh at it, but I believe in feeling grief while it's here. I've been having a lovely time, and (much to my ego's delight) I've been getting a weird amount of attention. It is tempting to move quickly into a situation where I can give and receive affection again and yeah, get laid (it's been... a while). The grief helps keep that impulse in check, and in a way, I'm a little grateful.

I want to open my heart again, but I know it isn't time. For now, I'll pick up my feet and let it pass over me. I will right myself when the water calms.

By the time I told people that I would be seeking divorce - by the time I told my husband - I had already grieved his loss. I had been grieving for it again and again over the course of a year, one broken promise after another.
“I won’t drink anymore.”
“I’ll drink less.”
“I won’t stay out tonight.”
“I’ll be home.”
“Just one beer.”
“I do respect you.”
My Complaint for Divorce states that the “Defendant has committed such general indignities against her [me] during the marriage as to render his condition intolerable, and she can no longer live with Defendant.”
Indignities.
That is aptly stated.
It is difficult to be married to someone who does not want to be your husband. To this day, I wonder why he ever asked me to marry him, or why I accepted. There were clues left around for me to discover. There were signs that I ignored. When he got down on one knee, I did not feel joy; I felt anxiety. I was afraid. But I loved him, didn’t I? It’s just an emotional moment, you don’t know what you’re feeling. I had been putting him off for a year, didn’t he deserve a yes?
An hour later, in the car, I burst into tears.
Again, I ignored it. I did not want to feel what I was feeling.
This has been a long kept secret of mine, one that I guarded very carefully when people asked me to exhaustion how he had proposed.
They did all the gushing for me. I only had to play along.
Getting married in the South is a rite of passage. “Bride” becomes our new identity. And then, “wife.” All the photos, all the giddy displays of bejeweled fingers, the showers, the bridal themed wine glasses and beer coozies. And it’s fun. That is, unless you feel like, beneath all the pomp and circumstance, beneath the tiny cupcakes and party mix, the mimosas and sherbet punch bowls, you feel like you are lying to everyone.
You are a fraud, and you don’t want to be, so you try even harder. You make compromises, you swallow your pride and your desires, ignore your fears and doubts. You are a bride, so be a bride.
And then you are a wife, and the bottom falls out.
He has embarrassed you too many times. You aren’t proud of him anymore, and he doesn’t seem proud of you. He gets drunk, lies, resents you, stays out all night with people you’ve never met, will never meet. Even on your wedding night, he slept in someone else’s tent. When you got back from your honeymoon, he got blackout drunk in a hotel room of acquaintances while you were at home, wondering if your new husband was all right. If he loves you. If he thinks of you at all.
You go to parties and gatherings, anxious about how much he’ll drink, anxious about how people will see you if you tell him to slow down, stop, please don’t be the drunkest person here again.
You pick him up from a bar so that the police don't arrest him. He tells you to shut up when you say you're upset.
He flaunts his disrespect in front of you, downing a shot of whiskey while you look on, having just told him to please let the previous two beers be the last drinks. Just for tonight, be the husband you promised you would be. It never happens.
The next morning, he’ll make promises, declarations, he’ll kneel at your feet and beg for your help. The first time, you are moved. The last time, you are disgusted.
When I left, I wept into the night. It wasn’t for my husband. It was for the dream I was finally letting go, the hopes and visions I had held onto to sustain me through the darkness. It was for my home in which I had poured my energy; my reliable life and my habits which were no more. I knew that I would never come home. I mourned for that hopeful time and for the month I had ordered wedding photos and framed them, thinking this time we would turn it around.
I wept because I had forgotten how to trust my own feelings. For so long, I had been denied my emotions. I was told I had to feel and act a certain way in order to be taken seriously (a false guarantee), I was bullied, worn down, my boundaries trampled, accused of being an angry, cheating, untrustworthy person, little acts of control, little pieces of me chipped away. Within his chaos, I lost myself.
It has been a few months since I found the strength to stumble out of my home to find my freedom. It was the most frightening and difficult thing I have yet to do, but it has also been the best thing I have given myself in years.
My step mother says that I look better now than she has seen me look in a long time.
I look at myself and see that my eyes have changed.
It took the near death of my spirit to refine and strengthen the part of myself that is no longer afraid to say what I want. It took finding the darkest parts of my insecurities to learn to trust myself. I regret that it took so long to learn the lesson, but I do not regret learning. Between my wine-swirling bitter divorcée jokes, I hope that anyone listening will hear what I am saying behind my laughter:

I have been there. It's okay if you are there now, but you don't have to stay there and disappear. You deserve to trust yourself and to know who you are. You can get help. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you won't change someone else through will or love or sacrifice.
As far as any of us knows, we're only here once, so **** what anyone else thinks about what you have to do to preserve your soul. Summon your courage - it's all right if you're afraid - and do what needs to be done. You won't arrive on the other side unscathed, but you will arrive. And it is glorious to be free.

Is good so far! I have gotten more done for this wedding this month than I have in the last year.

My dress came in, it's paid for, and I just need to get it altered.

I've scheduled cake tastings (the thing I was most looking forward to)

I've booked a photographer (!!!)

A friend's mom has done professional catering, and loves Caleb, and had us over for dinner to talk about what we'd want for our wedding and she's amazing at vegetarian food, and I'm excited.

We got engagement photos taken (I'll post some favorites).

We're working on the location (family farm), but that's been a little tricky. There's a hilltop where I think we should have the reception, because there's water, electricity, and eventually a house up there. Then there's the valley where there are none of those things. Caleb wants to have the reception in the valley, which means renting generators (big ones). And if it rains, that's more work for us when it comes to getting everyone covered. Uuugh. He is very insistent, but says he has a plan. It's fine, I'm not freaking out or anything...

But considering the stress of planning a party for 150 people several months in advance, we're doing well.

I can't remember if I mentioned our crazy ass neighbor, but we put up an 8 foot privacy fence this month, and it has been the best thing we've done for the house. Yeah. He was so bad that we spent TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS for the chance to stop seeing his lunatic ****ing face every time we use the backyard.

There's a race I might want to do that involves a team of 12 and 200 miles of overnight running (each person would have around 16-17 miles to run)...... it would be challenging, and maybe miserable, but I kind of want to get some people together and do it anyway.

I don't really have any new recipes, because I've been busy and eating a lot of soups and salads. Caleb always throws stuff in the crock pot before I can get around to making a soup of my own, and then we have leftovers so I just eat those.

But for salads! My recent favorite has been a sort of taco salad.

• I use a few handfuls of mixed greens
• A bell pepper (or a few of the mini bell peppers I've been munching on)
• Either pecans or a mix of beans and rice that I've added cumin and chili powder to
• A butt ton of salsa
• A tbsp of sour cream

It's delicious, and I love it.

So there, now I've been helpful.

Okay, so photos! Here's a little series of five.









Do you see it?

Oh wait, shit, did I mention I got my hair cut? lmao

Get a bowl and a spoon.

Put a spoon of coconut oil in the bowl.

Put a spoon of almond butter in the bowl.

Dump some unsweetened cocoa powder on top, I don't care, howevermuch you want. I like a lot (but not too much).

Sprinkle stevia on top (idk like half a tsp what the hell, taste for yourself)

Pour a little almond milk over it to get it goin.

Stir the hell out of it.

It's PUDDING. And tastes really good. And isn't loaded with sugar so wtf are you waiting for? One time, I made it so thick it was like eating brownie batter. IT WAS THE BEST.

Bye!

Haha idk!

So I did actually manage to get 50,000 words in November, and am a NaNoWriMo WIINERRRR. The story isn't done yet, and without a looming deadline, my progress has slowed, but I AM still working on it. I try to get a little done each day, even if it's a measly two sentences. The holidays are giving me trouble for having any time to myself, and I've got to make up for all the nights I blew off Caleb to write.

It's time to consider New Years resolutions, and look back at the ones I made last year. I wrote them down and put them in my bedside table drawer, and have pulled them out to check on them every so often. I've actually accomplished a good number of them!
Last year, I resolved to:

• Read more books (check!)
• Move into a house - I actually meant to rent a house with Caleb, but we went ahead and bought one (check!)
• Eat as a pescetarian for 1 year (check! Well, in a few weeks, check. And I plan to continue. I feel much better, and it works well for me)
• Spend less, save more (I managed to save enough to split the down payment on a house, so that's nice. Building savings back up now, so sort of check)
• Go backpacking for multiple nights (check! Grand Tetons)
• Start a blog (check? Started GreenTums, but I've been bad about updating it the last few months, which sucks of me. Room to improve there)
• 25 min 5k (I am not sure about this one. I haven't been in an officially timed 5k since May, and my time back then was 26:39. I imagine I've sped up considerably in six months, but I haven't actually tested it yet.... but my fitness has improved a great deal, and I count that as a win)

At the time I wrote that list last year, I was not engaged and was working as a server and living in a one bedroom apartment. During the course of this year, I have gotten engaged, bought a house, quit serving, got through abnormal cells and surgery, started working as an instructor for boot camp, started a higher paying office job, and gotten into the best shape of my life.
^that paragraph was like... almost entirely for me lol. But it does remind me that even though it seems like I JUST celebrated Christmas only recently, a year has gone by, and a lot has changed.

Two friends of mine were married last weekend, and I sang for their ceremony. It was wonderful to be a part of it, and it was nice to be playing out again. I haven't done much of that for months. A friend sang harmony for one of the songs, and it was good to do that with her again. We were close for part of high school, had a falling out, and lost contact for several years. She's moved back to work on some of her own issues, and in that process, we've reconnected. I am very happy with how it's going. I think we're both better people now.

I've been having private thoughts about my social shortcomings, and wondering if I wasn't a little up my own ass for a lot of my teens and early twenties. Even a little introspection tells me that I was. It's a bit embarrassing, but hopefully also behind me. I have already started on some new years resolutions, and one of them is to keep practicing gratitude for what I have. I have noticed a lot of anger and anxiety floating around in my head, and I'd like to temper that. I need practice. And constant reminders that everyone else on the highway is NOT a "stupid ****er." ;)

I think perhaps that 2013 was my year for outer improvement, and that 2014 should be a year for my insides. I need to be able to look myself in the eyes and know that I'm working to be better.

Also I want to finish this novel and see if I can turn it into something.

But right now, I want some soup. I've been ordering food from a local food network (local farmers and gardeners), and the potatoes I got last weekend are good enough to eat raw (which I did). I was a little nervous because they were soft, but it turns out they're just really awesome potatoes. And they are in my soup. Lucky me!

Just real quick, because I want to save my keystrokes for the 50,000 words I have to write by the end of this month:

I'm writing a novel! It's National Novel Writing Month, and I'm participating. At day 5, I have 10,000 words, and I'm still excited about this story. It means a lot to me to get to write about characters I've had in my head for 10 years. They finally have space on paper. I am thrilled. Is anyone else participating? We can be writing buddies on NaNo website.

Also this new payroll gig isn't bad at all. My first week, they promoted me to a processing job (explaining that they thought the distribution job wasn't challenging enough), so I'm working with a lot of numbers now. I'm learning about deductions, taxes, payroll theory, AND I get paid more. And I get a desk. Win/win. Do you have any idea how it feels, after two years of being talked to like a ****ing moron, to get promoted to a better job because the one you were hired for wasn't "challenging enough?" Do you have any idea how ****ing amazing that feels?

And I just taught 6 yoga classes last Thursday, and have gotten nothing but good feedback. And I've been kicking my workouts' butts.

I'm goddamn bragging all over the place, but WHATEVER.

Life is just going really well right now. I am so grateful.

Now back to work!

Hi Peaches,

Haha idk. I like peaches.

I had a post-op appointment like a month ago. She didn't do a pap or anything, because the wound was still kind of healing, but she said it looked good.

TMI AHEAD OKAY THANK YOU
This weekend was the first period I could use my cup again. The previous two were too painful, and I had to be in pads, which is like being in diapers. Worst. You ever try to run 4 miles in a diaper? WORST. Intercourse is still rocky. I've done my best to um.... supplement that for fiance, but it's been difficult missing that intimacy. I am a little afraid it might never be the same again. It just hurts. We bicker more, I find, when we're not able to be close like that. It helps when we make time to just touch each other. We're just so busy. Anyway, just thought I'd put that out there in case anyone else gets their cervix burned the hell off and is like "um does anyone else have soreness two months later?" ME. I DO.

TMI OVER OKAY GOOD JOB

Caleb has been very understanding and supportive during my recovery. I am very lucky to have him around. Other than what I mentioned above, I'm physically back to normal. I've been killing my workouts, and blasting my previous times out of the water. I managed to do 100 burpees in 5 minutes, and my next goal is to break 5. And my running continues to improve. It all feels very good.

Something I haven't mentioned in this blog yet: I'm teaching boot camp classes now! I started in September, and it's going well so far. I like it a lot, and now I get paid to work out. I've been given a nickname. It's Big Al.

Also! I quit my serving job. My last day is this Friday. After two years of working at this place with no promotion and only a $0.25 raise, it was time. I was offered a job that pays more and that doesn't involve me acting like I care what anyone wants on their salad. The CEO was all "Well we hate to lose you" and I wanted to be like "Couldn't tell from my paycheck LOL." My boss's boss said some crazy shit about how I should learn a lot of book keeping skills (I'm going to learn some of that in this new job, I think) and then come back. I just sort of laughed and walked off. DEUCES.

Now that my last day is approaching, though, I'm getting very sentimental. Ugh. I knew I would, but that doesn't make it less aggravating. Once I'm out, I will feel relieved and so not conflicted, but I am awkward at goodbyes. I avoid them, or I'm weirdly abrupt. I have no idea what to do with long goodbyes. I've only told a couple of club members, the ones I like, and plan to just disappear.

Also I bought a wedding dress. WHAAAT. You can't see it yet, obviously, but it's awesome. By the way, planning a wedding is SO OVERWHELMING and I'm a year out. Bah.

And it's my favorite month. November might be my second favorite. I get so excited about Thanksgiving.

Well. I'm up at 5:30AM and going non-stop until 6:30PM tomorrow (it's like that Mon-Thurs, which is why I haven't been posting as much). So it's probably time to start getting ready for bed. You know I've become one of those people who says they got to "sleep in until 7am." 17 year old me would point and laugh (and then go back to sleep).

Anyway, I'll post a recipe or something helpful soon, I was just tired of my most recent entry being about my silly surgery. OVER IT.

Hi! Surgery went well. The whole thing was pretty surreal, but mostly painless. I got there at 6:30AM and checked in. I waited with my mom and Caleb while they got my bed ready. Once it was all set, they brought me back. It was in a long room with several beds with curtains in between. Low ceilings. My nurse was an Irish lady, and when she told me that she was about to draw some blood, I said, "Help yourself!" She laughed and that comforted me. Mom and Caleb were able to join me once they had the IV set up. I had this weird inflatable heated blanket on top of me. It was like a pool raft. In the early morning, it fascinated me.

Haha and then the nurse came back and gave me some stuff to relax me, and as she's putting this shit in my IV, she says something like, "Sweet dreams," or "See you later," but in like an almost ominous way, and it just cracked me up. Caleb says I was also pretty focused on getting a chocolate croissant afterwards, which I ended up NOT getting in favor of a smoothie and chocolate torte, but OKAY.

I also remember getting into the operating room and my doctor saying "OH my goodness, your fiance is adorable. You both have the cutest faces, you look so cute together!" and thinking to myself "Are we girl-talking while I'm on drugs right now because OH GIRL lemme tell you somethi--zzzzzzzz"

When I woke up, I stared at the clock for a long time before someone noticed I was awake. I stood up pretty quickly, and the nurses said I was the easiest patient all morning. Al on drugs was really proud of that for the rest of the day. I even brought it up to Caleb later because I was so impressed with myself. They rolled me out in a wheelchair and then Caleb took me to Whole Foods to pick out whatever I wanted. Yeah, no nausea with anesthesia. Opposite, actually. I've been eating a lot the last three days.

Which, you know, has to stop because I can't work out for a while.

But anyway. I have a check up in 6 weeks. Hopefully this is behind me now. But the time off was nice. ;)

My life right now is fairly exciting. When someone asks me "What's been going on?" I have several things to tell them rather than the usual "Oh, same as always." I have mixed feelings about that. It's thrilling to be in the middle of so much, but the hours that I spend alone doing nothing are some of my most treasured moments these days. I've not gone out much during the week for that reason. Or, really, even on the weekends lately.

My surgery is on Monday. I'll be glad to have that done with. But I will miss working out for a week or two or however long it will take. The risk is that I'll dislodge the blood clot and start bleeding, which would be SUPER inconvenient and probably not very good for me either. I took a three days off work. I probably don't NEED to take off Tuesday and Wednesday, but I'm not gonna want to be there, and I can work on packing up my apartment (Caleb thinks I should only rest and do nothing and does not like the idea of my moving boxes around, but it is hard to be useless for THREE days).

Wait, did I just say pack up my apartment? Yep I did. Caleb and I closed on a house yesterday! Months of saving, looking, negotiating, and a few hours of making repairs to a house we didn't yet own so that it would pass inspection. We did it, and it's ours. I'm freaked out, but also very excited about what we could do with this place. Also I've never lived with a significant other before, so... I hope I'm not too much of a handful. I haven't shared groceries with another person since I was a kid living with my parents.

Caleb is already talking about a joint bank account, but I would rather we just focus on living together before we even begin to open that can of worms. I move slowly, I guess.

My boot camp instructor has had me leading cool-downs after class the last couple days. That has been neat. So far, the feedback is good. He said he thinks I can help a lot of people, and he wants to turn me into a really good trainer. It is nice to be good at something I am excited about. Hopefully, I can stop being a waitress soon. The plan is for me to start teaching in September, once I'm recovered.

Also I have a new teapot. :D

It's a tokoname and it's for my gyokuro. I may have also ordered a Zisha teapot for my favorite oolong.... okay, I did. Hehehe.

Well anyway. I'm going to spend probably another hour doing nothing, and then I'll get my morning started. I moved several things into my car around 8AM when it was still cool, along with some cleaning supplies for that dusty new house. Time to shine, new home.

HEY GET A LOAD OF THIS



I made a fruit tart inspired by a thermal pool in Yellowstone. No sugar, just dates. No flour, just nuts. If you want to know how to make it, I blogged about it. :D

In other news, it looks like my boot camp guy is offering me 7:30AM and 4:30PM classes to teach. That is very exciting. And he's willing to wait until my surgery is over and recovered from.

I am still feeling pretty good.

Hey! I'm still alive. :)

Which, really, is a huge privilege. I have come out of feeling bad for myself, and have been more positive lately. Or at least, the times when I do feel sad are more spread out.

I played a show this Friday night, and it went really well. My voice carried, and I had plenty of energy. Sometimes when I'm up there by myself, it's easy to get worn out. But I wasn't alone this time! My father played guitar with me and my mother played bass. They really came through, nevermind that we hadn't rehearsed. We sounded so good.

On Saturday, I went to the farmer's market with Caleb and bought a watermelon, peaches, blueberries, patty pan squash, grape tomatoes, carbon heirloom tomatoes, pecans, and a mint tea and cherry hand pie for a treat. Caleb bought a jar of homemade dill pickles and a raw-food key lime pie that we shared. We shared the tea too. It was a really nice morning. Normally, I'll walk to that market with Gatsby early in the morning. The entire trip there and back is about 3.7 miles, and it's good exercise for the pup. But I was weirdly hungover from the ONE shot of whiskey I sipped on the night before (it was cold on stage and I couldn't stop shivering, which hurts my playing and singing, so I sipped on Jameson to warm up... it worked) and Caleb and I both slept in. It was really hot by the time we were ready to go (9:45AM and already 90F degrees out), though, and Caleb had a race that evening so he wasn't too keen on walking 4 miles. So we drove. But it worked out, because I never would have bought all that if I'd had to walk. And this watermelon is delicious!

That evening, I drove Caleb an hour out of town for his race. His first 25k (15.5 miles). It started at 8PM, which meant I got to hang out in a camp chair while it got dark. I watched cartoons on my phone while I waited haha. And 3 hours and 3 minutes later, Caleb emerged from the woods and finished the race. I am very proud of him. I do wish that he had trained for this, because his knees are killing him today. He runs often, and he's good at it, but he usually does 3-5 mile runs. Nothing like 15.5 miles. That's a very Caleb thing to do, though. For now, he gets away with it. :roll:


Also! I got my test results back from my AFAA certification. I passed! I was pretty sure I would, but it still felt really good to get that certificate in the mail. I'm happy! I did it. But now the real work begins, and I've got to start putting classes together.

In addition to that, it looks like the house Caleb and I have been trying to get is finally going to be ours. We should close in August and then, like my new career, the work begins. We'll need to fence in the yard, paint the walls, get a fridge, furnish it... And then plan a wedding lmao. But we have a lot of help, and our families are being supportive. Even his religious family, and I suppose it helps that we're engaged (though I'm sure they'd prefer we were married already).

Today, I got to see some of my dearest friends, and ate a huge veggie burger with pecorino cheese, fig jam, arugula, and truffle oil. And a Tom Collins with fresh lemon juice and egg white foam. Ahhh so good. I love celebrating.

VAGINASATION DOWN BELOW, SKIP IF YOU DON'T LIKE.... THAT
As for my cervix, some of you read in my comments that one of the biopsies came back with severe dysplasia. My surgery consultation was this Thursday, and we discussed those results. There was no dysplasia in the cervical canal biopsy (ow), which means that it's pretty superficial at this point, and she'll only have to make a shallow cut on the outside to remove the abnormal tissue. After that, I can't have ANYTHING up in there for 3 weeks. No sex, nothing for menstruation, no swimming, no baths, NUTHIN. And there will be some bleeding and cramping and general soreness. And I can't work out for a while, which is terrible. I'm taking off work for a couple of days. Might as well. Hopefully this will be the end of it. My surgery is on August 5th.

Meanwhile, my best friend Katy is having a similar thing happen to her with her skin. She had a mole removed that was cancerous, so they removed more tissue around it.... and that came back abnormal too. So they're running more tests before they make their next move. I don't want anything to happen to her. We've been keeping each other updated. I remember telling her to get that mole checked out about a month before she made the appointment. I'm glad she did. My father had skin cancer 30 years ago. They told him he had at most 5 years to live. It could come back any time. But because they caught it early, he has lived to be 65. So. I am confident in Katy and in her doctors.

Oof, this is long and just a bunch of personal stuff. I do plan to get back to posting things that are useful eventually. It just feels good to type all of this out and maybe have someone read it. It can be difficult to ask someone to listen to me talk about it all. I have a lot happening to me right now.

I think tonight will be an early night so that I can have an early morning. I want to light a candle and drink tea while the sun comes up. Wish me luck!

I'm still stuck with this thing. I found out while on vacation that my three month check-up pap came back abnormal again. So today, I had another colposcopy/biopsy. You'd think it wouldn't be as big of a deal the second time. Actually, I'm pretty sure it hurt worse. It didn't help that she got into the cervical canal, and then did ANOTHER biopsy further down.... it felt bigger than the last piece she took... it hurt a lot. I felt my legs start to tremble near the end and was afraid I'd start panicking like last time, but I held it together with some major deep breathing. Once it was over, though, the tears came. I wasn't so much crying, as I was just leaking. The crying did come later, though. Just all that adrenaline, my body had no idea what to do with itself. I tried to go to work, but I could not keep it together. I tried to ask my coworker if it would be all right if I left a couple hours early, but then tears started coming and I couldn't stop, and he told me to just go home because it looked like I needed rest.

I just...

It isn't fair. I've always tried to be healthy. I don't smoke and I don't drink very much. I've tried to be as safe about sex as possible, and I've been monogamous with my partners. Thought I knew their sexual history. Thought I was safe. I'm pretty sure one of them gave me the HPV virus, though. And that's what's causing this. They might have been a carrier and not known it, or they might have been misinformed about if they could pass it on. It's embarrassing to talk about because there's such a taboo attached to things like this, but I feel like I need to talk about it since women's health issues are so important to me. I wish that when I was younger, that I had gotten the vaccine. That more people had talked about it with me. I wish the men in my life had been more honest with me, or knew more about their sexual histories.

But it's done, and now I'm scared. Scared about what I'll have to do next, and scared that I won't one day be able to get pregnant or carry a child to term. I have always wanted to be a mom, and experience pregnancy. It will be a great heartbreak to me if that is no longer in my reach. At the moment, we're waiting on my biopsy results, but my doctor is pretty sure she'll recommend me for a LEEP. Basically, they'll electrically cut off a layer of my cervix in an attempt to get rid of all the abnormal tissue. I'm pretty sure I get to be asleep for that, though, or else I might faint.

I know that it isn't productive to go down the road of "Why me?" but I needed one day to feel sorry for myself. I haven't gone long without crying, or aching, but I'm hoping that tomorrow I have a better perspective. I tried to laugh at something earlier, and it made my whole body wince. It just hurts, on all levels. I feel like an idiot, and completely disgusted with my body. But tomorrow, I will be positive. Or I will try.

In other news, I started a blog. And I wrote about my backpacking trip.
Backpacking in the Grand Tetons | Green Tums

So if you want to see more pictures, there are some to be found on that page. They get bigger when you click on them.

I wasn't only taking a vacation from work.

Hello, everyone.

Just wanted to say thank you to those of you who checked up on me and sent friendly thoughts my way. It meant a lot to me, and I'm sorry I didn't wrap this up sooner. I have been preoccupied with other projects, but I'll get to that later. I got my results from the biopsy back, and it came back negative for precancerous cells. Yay! But they aren't sure why I had a positive in the first place, so I have another appointment in June to check up on things. So I'm presumably healthy, but still sort of on hold in a way. All the same, I'm really glad I don't have to have surgery.

So, here's what's been happening.

I'm still studying for my personal training certification, and my seminar weekend (I'll take a few classes and then my tests) is coming up in less than a month (!). My boot camp instructor continues to make me feel very excited about this whole thing, and I can't wait for health to be my day job. Also, here's a photo of me in a local magazine doing a box jump!

Haha not my most flattering (lol jacket pooch), but at least I wasn't doing something gross.

Caleb and I planted some apple trees and blueberry bushes for Earth Day.


My friends had a muthafukin BABY!!

Mama and son. A few of us were at the hospital until 3AM last night waiting on this guy. It was worth it. He was so awesome.

And, finally, here's where the request comes in. I finished recording/mixing/etc my song The Riddle. It has cello and violin tracks on it, and I'm actually really proud of it. So I put together a simple YouTube video with the lyrics for easy sharing, and I would love it if you all would take a listen and then share it with others if you like it. If you want it for yourself, there's a free download link in the YouTube info that will take you to Bandcamp.



So there you are. I'm still busy with a few things, but I'm starting to feel good about where it's all going. Thank you for listening, and thank you VERY much to those of you who have already shared my work with others. That is awesome, and I am forever grateful to you.