Being in Australia has been interesting. I've had time to chill and gather my thoughts, realign myself, all that woowoo stuff people don't give any credence to. I've kept up like I always do with my inner circle on either facebook, email, or by some means. And it's been sad to be totally honest.

Everyone seems like they're running away. And I'm not perfect, I know that. People that used to have more fire in them than me it seemed who wanted to go out and conquer or experience life. It's not there....now we all grow and change with time. It's inevitable. A 5 year old won't act the same way as when he's 10. I understand that. People seem to be running away though.

The cries of saying I'll never live here when I get older, or I'll succeed in X one day. Why is it that we all felt something at one time but almost nobody follows through? Lately everyone in my life who I guess made a break for it around the same time has gone back to the old mentality. That life they appreciate life more in the old town. That they miss those days. It really breaks my heart. Because those days I miss just as fondly as they do. It's not what they're really missing. They miss familiarity, because when the curtain is pulled down and see new problems, people, and places they don't have an endgame in mind. What used to be the athlete is now a person who drinks to excess anytime he has time to kill because he can't be alone with his own thoughts. Because a person who wanted to write amazing stories and get away from a place that was killing his soul suddenly wants to return to it to find comfort.

When I was in 8th grade one of my only good teachers I ever had. Day 1 he told us the story of Platos Allegory of the Cave. He explained it and asked us to write down what we thought the deeper meaning was. It's people the same as the world we're living in today. I understood the theme of the story at the time but I didn't get it. I guess if that doesn't resonate and you're more sciency (Cause that's a word) it's the same as when they would put dogs on an electric floor plate and shock them. The dog jumps off the electricified part. Do it to a dog who is enclosed and can't escape, he'll kick, thrash, and scream. Until one day he stops fighting and just accepts it. Then when you put the dog back in the room where he can jump off the electric pad, he sits there accepting defeat.

We can never get the days back when we were young, even though people will spend their life trying. From buying things to hide wrinkles to getting toys and things you didn't have when you were young to try and trick yourself into feeling how you did in your youth won't happen. What people should be doing is taking those kernels of truth that they remember. And using it to grow into something greater. The games that made you feel connected to your friends because of common ground, and made you feel adventerous for scouring the virtual landscape. Take the ball and run with it. Maybe you love travel and seeing new things, maybe you want to make games because they had such a strong impact on who you became. Doesn't matter what it is, but since life can only go forward in one direction. Then accept it, flow, and grow with it.

I have 1 friend who I'm pretty close with that keeps up by email. And he's on his path to his own life. We were in a clan together in CoD. We were good enough and got picked to be on the show Friday Night Fights (If you have CoD Elite) Since the group is long since dead we don't try to dig up the glory days though. It's roots to something bigger.

Today I was thinking how when I was 16. I was over weight and in a weird spot in life. I was up at 4am watching Eurotrip for the first time on HBO. As I watched it for whatever reason I got inspired to want more from life and to make a change. Over the next maybe 6 or 7 months I lost over 50lbs. I was working out, drinking green tea everyday. And shortly after that I got on here, and met my current girlfriend. So...yeah Eurotrip is responsible for my Aussie trip. Weird but cool how you see little stuff affects you, or can help push you.

Why is life so much more simple in your teens than your 20s? It's probably cause of real life experience and getting beat down over time. It certainly changes everyone whether they like to admit it or not.

Another thing I remember was when I was 15. I thought about how I wanted life to go. The one thing I thought I lacked was the ability to focus on shit I didn't like to get a problem done. And it's true. If I want to do something I'm fantastic at it. I'll obsess over it, read up, practice, think about it and repeat it til I can perfect it. It's how I got good with video games. I'm rough with hunkering down though and don't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Right now it's sort of the make or break period in my life for getting to where I want to go. The younger you decide and pursue what you want the better. I regret wasting so much time not doing what I always should have. A lack of good people in your corner can be a detriment to anyone. But I need to get my music path sorted out. For someone who didn't fully commit I'm not bad. As to where I should be by now though? Oof I feel like shit.

Point is if you have something shitty you have to do, but know it's right. Do it and when you finally stop to look around you'll be halfway there.

Now let's get cracking.

After an extended period not being here, and having my old name and posts deleted I'm back....I don't know why but I am. There's a lot I guess I could spew on about.

So I used to be on here all the time way back when. I went from an awkward teen with no social skills or social life to working full time after my home life got a little screwy. Then I went to that cool dissolutioned early 20's phase...now I'm almost 26 and just a dude. I'm not sure what else to say.

I remember my first post on my old journal was the size of Texas. I'd say I'm embarrassed to think about it but I don't mind. I needed somewhere to spew my thoughts and it worked just fine. I think that's why I came back to be honest. Partially nostalgia. Partially because I was thinking of how I used to feel better after writing all my stuff down, be it 2 sentences or 2 pages. And this being my old stomping ground it feels familiar, even though it really isn't at this point. I'm sure I know none of you or almost. Nevertheless what's up!

Well being in my mid 20's is weird. As a kid you want to be an adult and when you finally get there you want to be a kid again. I finally understand. I don't think it's so much the being young part, it's that people miss the days of gelling with people so easily. It's ****ing hard as an adult. If you're not sizing someone up you're probably thinking about how they suck cause of something they said earlier. As a kid I was too simple to see that far. Bleh. I did have lots of fun in my time, just wish I had more. Not like the get drunk and **** people type of fun. I mean hanging with your friends and doing stupid shit like staying up way too late and playing a game for the 5 millionth time to stupid music cause you guys love that stuff. That was my sense of "Home" if you will.

Now I'm kind of at the stage where I'm finding what I want in life, where I want to be. I've got rough ideas but no fixed point. I want to do something with music, and want to do stuff like have a youtube channel to help supplement it, since I play games and all that it's a no brainer. Except I have no technical ability with software so that's been my new ally to get into. That and reading. Lots of reading, books though, and helpful ones. None of this fiction stuff. How to build a business and that sort of stuff. I've realized after working a shitty retail job that I think the only way I won't be dead by 40 is if I'm my own boss. I want to blame the industry I was in and hated except people are people wherever you go.

Writing this makes me think of how I used to go on about such emotional stuff. I wonder sometimes how I've changed from just naturally getting older and the brain changing as it does. And how life happening alters your perception of everything. It's weird.

Anyways I'm clocking out.