My roommate/ our best friend died on Friday.

I'm the one who found him and I'm beyond heartbroken and traumatized.

I don't understand. I should've checked on that stupid son of a bitch sooner. Maybe I could've saved him.

I don't think I'll ever be able to live with myself or shake off the guilt. I can't eat, I've hardly slept, I can't stop crying and it's getting worse since the shock's worn off.

He drove me up the Goddamn wall with his bitching over dumb shit and minor stupidity, but I loved him all the same. He was basically my fiance's brother, so he was mine too.

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I just don't know how I'm supposed to handle this. And now I have so many more things I have to think and worry about and I'm just not prepared for any of it. I can't handle this.

One of my best friends, I guess- we hadn't really been close in years, but we grew up together... She hung herself.

I still can't believe it. I wish there were something I could've done. She left behind like 4 kids.

She struggled with drugs for a large chunk of her life, I'm pretty positive even up until she died. She was in a really bad car accident that nearly killed her a year or so ago, and apparently tried to get her shit together, but it didn't really work out.

And to make things a bit worse, I've really been having to talk my best friend here in NYC out of doing the same thing quite often lately while I struggle with my own depression and anxiety.

There's a bunch of other stuff too.

Life sucks in general right now.... Except for us hopefully adopting this Tibetan Mastiff. He's absolutely gorgeous and so sweet. We're very in love with him. We find out this week if he's gonna be ours! <3

That's literally the only bright spot and positive thing in my life right now. Sigh.

I really really -really- hate doing this.

Like it's mega uncomfortable for me and I don't like it at all.

But.

https://www.gofundme.com/8r4dyyqg



My cat is recovering wonderfully, and she's allllllmost back to her old self now, though it'll still be awhile before she's 100% again.

She didn't go down without a fight, though. Kitty left a huge gash on the dog's snout and another just over his eye. She's tough shit.

And in spite of this happening, she really hasn't changed at all personality-wise. She still hates Penny (our boxer) just as much as she did before, but she hasn't gotten overly mad or tried to really hurt her out of anger- just the normal swipes with her claws out a bit at her face when Penny gets too close, but that's how she's always been.


This is the part where I -really- want to say "We'll pay you back, eventually". My fiance and I aren't the kinds of people to ask for help like this. If we have an unexpected expense, we really usually just suck it up and deal, but this is just a bigger problem that's taken a toll on our finances.

I don't really expect anyone to donate, but if you do, basically I'll marry you. <3

It's been awhile.

Hope everyone's good and junk!

Life in The Big Apple is aight, I suppose. I wouldn't mind the heat so much if I didn't sweat buckets within 3 seconds of being outside. IDK why, but my head sweats a lot and it ruins my hair- which has recently decided to become extremely dry and no amount of DIY moisturizing hair masks and/or deep conditioners help it.

My girl came up for 3 weeks last month. My sister's girlfriend flew her up and then I flew her back to Nashville. We spent a metric **** ton of money on her- doing all the touristy things, going out to eat, buying her the American Girl Doll she desperately wanted (seriously. Lunch @ American Girl Place, the Kit doll, extra outfit, and book- $300), etc... I miss her terribly.

Lunch @ American Girl Place with borrowed Kit doll, and then waiting on the train to go home.. I made her lug the bag part way down 5th Ave.. It was highly amusing. :D
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4th of July down on South St. Pier in Lower Manhattan.. The USO Show Troupe performed.. They were doing a medley of songs and went into "Proud To Be An American" by Lee Greenwood- my mom's favorite song. It was both her ringtone and her ringback tone on her phone and they played it pretty much on repeat at her funeral. Anyway.. It caught me way off guard, and I had a complete meltdown.

Parker got to meet one of the girls afterwards!
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My sister & her gf are possibly coming up for Labor Day Weekend, so I'll get to have her again then for a couple of days.

My dad is back in Texas- my sister wasn't keeping up with her promise to check on him at least once a week, the monthly rent to park the RV was way too expensive ($500/mo), and he hates big cities. And didn't really have friends there like he does in TX. He's much happier now. There are a ton of people that really care about him there. The only down side is now I have to split my time between 3 different states. And because I never know exactly how long I'll be staying with my dad at any given time (when I flew home to hang out with my girl for her Spring Break & stay with him, I wound up staying for 3 weeks), there's no sense in bothering with an actual job.

Hopefully part-time babysitting will work out.

On the up side, we've found a new apartment! It's a duplex type deal down in the Rockaway-ish area! 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom, huuuuuuge living room, kitchen has a dishwasher (praise Jesus), and there's a washer & dryer upstairs (again, praise Jesus). Our bedroom has a walk-in closet that connects to the main bathroom and an ocean view! There's also a small fenced in backyard and a wraparound porch.

We can have a dog- which we're going to pick out next Saturday.. We're getting a Russian Boxer puppy! Yay! Except for the price tag.. *dies* But, it's worth it. I've wanted a boxer of my own for many many many years.

And the place is 1/2 block away from the beach & the A train, and .5 mile away from the grocery store and the YMCA (which we get a year's free membership to).

Jay is about to graduate from his trade school next month- he's won Top Tech award like every month- and then he'll switch to regular college. He's finally come back around to nursing school, thank goodness.

So there's that..

Fun fun fun!

I'm still struggling with feelings over losing my mom.

I'm still mad at her in so many ways.

She was such an amazing woman.. But not to me.

It's a long story.

But her birthday was this past Friday - on the 11th. Which was also the 4 month anniversary of her death.

It really sucks that this is the way I remember her. And there's nothing anyone can do to change that.

On the plus side- my amazing girl... She's the top reader in her entire grade (kindergarten), is officially reading on a Beginning 3rd Grade Level, and is going to be tested for the gifted program this week!

Even if she doesn't test in, I'm so beyond proud of her. She's such an incredible little girl & I'm very happy with her. I couldn't ask for a better child.

Still have yet to do any touristy New York things 'cuz we've been tight on money (and the weather and my boyfriend's car was like literally frozen to the ground for awhile)...

He and the roommate paid some Mexicans to dig it out last weekend though and we went to Queens Mall and Target.. That was interesting to say the least. 2 floor Target. lol- I'm still fascinated with it.

And sadly, my mom's incredibly sweet precious poodle Gidget passed away right after I got to New York. We don't know why for sure, but I think that she ate something outside that poisoned her. She was only 4 years old. My dad's min pin Squirt went into a major depression and stopped eating altogether for a few days.

So now it's just my dad and his dog by themselves. And I can't help but worry. I miss my dad terribly. He can be a major douchenozzle, but he's still my hero and my favorite person ever (next to my daughter, that is).


But anywho.I also sliced the shit out of my thumb today and had to go to the hospital to get stitches. YAY WINNING!

:P

I'll be in NYC! Flight is booked, I'm finally back in TN with my Dad, etc.

We're getting him moved into his new RV.. It's absolutely beautiful, though it lacks a metric shit ton of storage space compared to the old one.

I'm pretty sure my sister doesn't know that my dad's about to unload like 4 or 5 huge boxes stuffed full of book work and pictures and things on her. And that makes me smile a lot. :D Just imagining her having a meltdown and getting stressed over having to lug it all up to her attic brightens my day immensely.

So yeah. Less than 2 weeks and I'm outta here. Sad to leave TN again, though... And I know my dad would rather I be here with him, but.. I just can't live with him again.

I'm still in Texas.

BF bought me a plane ticket to fly from DFW to LaGuardia for last weekend, but he's not very bright and booked a 5 a.m. flight. -__-; And because my Dad is partially paralyzed on the left side, he can't drive by himself.. We couldn't find anyone to go with us to help him drive, so I had to miss the flight altogether.. The airline wouldn't transfer my ticket even with my situation (and telling them that I found a flight out of Nashville for even cheaper than the one that'd been booked), which is kinda shitty, but whatever.

... Plus my Dad wants me to help him move back to Tennessee and help him get his new RV situated and set up. And he doesn't want to drive the 8 hrs by himself. He said he'd get me a ticket to NYC after we get there.. Hopefully I'll be leaving the weekend of the 25th. My birthday is on the 30th and I have friends from EoFF coming to visit that following weekend for massive partying and bar crawling and overall 24/7 drunkenness. I really don't want to have to push it back or cancel.

He finally came out and told me he -really- just wants me to stay with him (again), but the last time we lived together was a disaster. One relationship got ruined because of him wanting to me to live with him and my mom.. I'm not so keen on the idea of potentially ruining another over the exact same thing.

But whatever.

My moms sister passed away on Monday from stage 4 lung cancer

My brother is leaving here in a couple of hours to go pick up a load and get back to work.

And it'll just be me and my dad. I'm a nervous wreck. I know how my dad can be. He likes to insult me and talk shit constantly about how much of a f*ck up I am even though I'm the only one that bothers calling on a regular basis and I'm the only one willing and able to come and stay with him. My sister has to go back to her job & her life & my brother has to do the same while I have to put all of my plans on hold for awhile to take care of him.

I'm not complaining, it's just stressful. I still don't know what to do or how to go about getting everything figured out. My dad told my brother yesterday that I'm only here 'cuz I have nowhere else to go.

.... Which is bullshit. I was packed up and ready to go to New York when my mom passed away. He finally asked me what I was gonna do when BeeJay moved, and I told him I was supposed to have been going with him.

For whatever reason, my mom never told him of my plans (she probably thought he'd get upset). And surprisingly, my dad said, "I think you should go. It'd be a good Life Experience. Not many people can say they've lived in 4 different states or that they're moving to The Big City."

But anywho. My big brother got here on Friday afternoon.. We've been stoned all weekend. xD We went out to Texarkana to see my best friend and pick up some money that my boyfriend sent me & she got us a bunch of pot and some other stuff.

We had to go back out there and my dad let us take his truck... Buuuut then we were gone for awhile and he got pissed off at us. Or rather, me.

So today, it'll just be me and my dad. My sister will be back on the 23rd for Christmas, but then she'll be gone again on the 26th or 27th. IDK how long I'll be here.

Someone's supposed to be setting up a benefit for my dad.. With my mom gone, he's losing $800/month that was her retirement and his social security payments are gonna drop somewhat at some point. He's gonna have to trade in the RV for something smaller and he still hasn't gotten his big truck or the property sold.

This is so stressful.

We got to Texas last night.

I can't stand seeing my dad like this.

I drunk dialed him at like 1 a.m. and we talked for over an hour, and he didn't really cry at all...

Then we got here and he's so heartbroken and lost.. I'm so worried... He's been with my mom every day for 20 years straight. 43 years together total. But after she got in the truck with him, they were always together. My dad couldn't handle my mom being gone for more than a few hours.

He says he can't live without my mom.. And I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I don't know if I need to just move in permanently and put everything else on hold or stay with him for a month and then go to New York to be with my boyfriend. I'm the only one that -has- this option. My sister is busy with her life and my brother isn't in any place to do that. He's a truck driver as well and has his wife and all that.

But, my big brother -is- here. And I forgot how much fun we had hanging out before. I relate so much better to him. We're gonna go and hang out with my best friend for awhile so...

My mom died.

Someone please tell me this isn't real.

I need a haircut. Really bad.

Told my mom I'm moving. She was just surprised.. Then had to get off the phone. Said she'd call me back, but of course she didn't.

She likes my sister more. And my sister almost -never- calls and only goes to see them like 2x a year.

whatever.

I told my sister that I'm going to New York. I explained what was going on, and surprisingly enough, she's actually excited for me!

& She pretty much said that I can stay with her when I come home, so that's good.

We've been getting along better, but it's still not like it used to be. We don't hang out or talk really other than coordinating pick ups & drop offs for Parker.. If we're both at my parents' and 1 or both of us are tipsy then it's like old times & we get along great & we laugh and joke and talk about dumb shit. But whatever. It is what it is.

So I feel a lot better about going now. She even said on her own that it would most likely be way easier to find a job within walking distance of the apartment we'll be living in.

So. Yay!