Well...it has certainly been awhile since I've been hear. No one probably remembers me, but hey there. A lot has changed in my life, but nothing particularly important or worth bringing up. I suppose the fact that I'm mostly sober now, cept for the occasional drink.

It's been awhile since my last update, mainly due to the lack of positivity the past few months and I felt like I was being whiny. Anyway, seemed like everything kinda bottomed out and stayed the same for awhile, so I assumed things could only go up, but as I started to feel a glimmer of hope...tragedy struck.

The closest person to a mother I ever had, my paternal-grandmother, passed away VERY unexpectedly on April 19. The day she died, I drove to her house when my sister asked me to come up. She told me my grandma was feeling real sick to her stomach and that I should go get my cousin to come to her house (my cousin and her husband own a house near where we live, but only came over occasionally) since she was a nurse. On the way there, my sister and I joked that it would just be indigestion due to her eating an odd mix of chili and prunes. I even joked with my grandma about it and said I'm sure it wouldn't be a big deal...

So I dropped them off and headed back to my house, not thinking much of it. About an hour or two later, we get a call saying they took her to the hospital and that they'd call when they got there, I still didn't really think of it, she tended to go to the hospital for pretty much any issue. Not long after...I get a call saying we needed to hurry to the hospital because she might not make it. So I take off and fly the 13 miles of backwoods, country roads to get there in time...only to have my sister meet me and my dad in the parking lot with the bad news...

Seeing everyone's reactions in the hospital was one of the worst moments in my life, I was really too much in shock to react for awhile (until I broke down and had to go outside during the visitation the day before the funeral). I volunteered to be the one to tell a few family members as well...which wasn't too pleasant either, but I wanted to be the one to do it...I felt like she would be the one to do such things in any other situation...so I wanted to try to help fill her shoes.

Anyway, the funeral came and went, myself being one of the pallbearers. Things are just...not good around here. It used to be my sister and asshole uncle living with my grandma, and me living with my father. My aunt, uncle and their kids lived about 9 miles away, two great uncle that live right down the road (one of which I'm not on speaking terms with due to him being a cheat and complete asshole to everyone, the other is a thief) and everyone else about 90 miles away. My sister recently moved near my distant family and my aunt and uncle's family are soon moving even further.

I feel almost completely alone, I've never had friends outside of school due to living faaar out in the country. I've never been close to my dad and I've explained the rest. If you've kept up with my other blogs, you'd understand the rest of the situation, being broke and 12 miles from the nearest town. I mentioned earlier that 2013 was turning out to be a really shitty year...and my instincts were correct lol. Anyway, haven't exactly been in a good headspace, if you know what I mean :V

Recently fell back into an old addiction, I've quit again, but **** if I don't just fall off the wagon at any moment. Hopefully I have made enough preparations to never do so again. I've more or less lost all interest in any dream or goal I've had, so I'm stuck wondering wtf to do with myself. Nothing seems like an answer at this point. Here's hoping something makes sense.

As for the positive side of things, I'm dating one of those girls I think I told you about. Things are kinda questionable, but I think I'm just being overly paranoid...especially since I'm pretty sure I'm borderline schizophrenic >_> constant paranoia and anxiety, hallucinating sirens and alarms, irrational fits of anger (not expressing it or exploding, but just being easily pissed off or annoyed). It's causing me to lose friends at an alarming rate...I think. I've been rather distant and depressed, so I've been avoiding talking to people, and they've returned the favor.

I'm not at all looking for pity or feeling sorry for myself, I recognize all my problems and faults are my own doing, but I'm still rather confused as to the what the answers are. But I suppose things can only get better, so I'll just do what I do best and wait.

In the mean time, I've discovered a lot of great musical groups. I'm REALLY wanting to form a progressive bluegrass/folk/jazz band...but it's hard enough finding people that like anything I like, let alone musicians...but I never expected anything else, I like some obscure shit.



...I'm still not sure why I even post this stuff, it's almost cathartic to write it down, but at the same time, I feel like I'm just being all whiny and shit...maybe I should start a private journal or some shit.

Been awhile since I last posted. Things are starting to look up a bit, found a pleasant surprise in my bank account that will cover Netflix for another month AND my phone/internet bill was half as big as i thought it would be...so I'm not QUITE as worried about my money situation, it's not good, but not as bad as it could be I suppose. I'm currently working on my FAFSA to enroll in school, hoping I can get grants and such to live off of while I embark on an educational journey, but how the **** am I supposed to know how much my dad's property is worth...To top it all off...it would seem I FINALLY have a girlfriend, it's been too long. We're taking it slow and steady, the worst thing for a relationship is devoting all your time to each other, being casual is key. Sorry I keep forgetting about the forums...I should stop that, but if anyone wants to chat, my skype is themanofvelcro and you can even add me on facebook if you'd like, just PM me and I'll send you a link.

In other news, I've begun playing Pokemon Blue Kaizo, a hack to increase the difficulty of the original Pokemon Blue to an obscene amount. The Elite 4 are all level 100, to get a grasp of the grandeur of it all. Some changes from the original include: higher encounter rate, stronger (and much higher leveled) wild pokemon and trainers, each with absurdly powerful movesets, even early on. Dragon Rage will enrage you. There is more grass and the terrain is changed to make you walk through much more and walk in front of every trainer, it's also pretty ****ed for getting places. So many annoying surprises await you...especially with your rival.

Just starting on Silph Co. and my team consists of a LVL 59 Clefable, Machamp, Charizard, Blastoise, Sandslash and Dragonite. I'm barely higher levels than the early rocket grunts...I've also noticed a lack of Ultra Balls in the stores...though unlimited free Max Elixers in Celadon was an amazing discovery.

I finished season 3 of the walking dead, but I'm losing interest, I read the comics and they just blow the tv series out of the water. Still need to watch the season 3 premiere of Game of Thrones...though I want to rewatch Seasons 1 and 2, hell, I haven't watched Season 1 since it came out. Netflix need to get a hold of that shit 3:

On a more adult note, I'm eagerly awaiting Monmusu Quest III, you'd be surprised at how good this game is for a hentai game, great story, decent gameplay, though it's more or less a VN with battles. Still just ****ing great, and great ****ing.

Oh, I also have a steam account, only games I play are Terraria and I'm about to start Killing Floor. Though, if you wanna gift me games so we can play...I'd be more than happy.

Do you ever sleep so much that your brain just can't function any longer? I some how slept 17 hours "last night" after being awake for like...28, hardly a good reason, but damn, I'm all kinds of ****ed. I woke up at 9 PM and it felt like I had been asleep for 200 years. "Did the world end!?". My brain still feels like a baked potato...idk how it even happened.

I'm drunk and alone on whiskey...fuuuuck the feels. I want to rage...or at least not be alone...can't even get anyone for a cam chat...time to go punch doors and shit.

Just haven't had much to talk about. I suppose I have a few things now...well I got fired. 3 strikes policy and all that.

Strike 1: Accidentally set the gas price to $0.34(9) instead of $3.49(9) because I forgot about the damn extra 9. Lost 11 gallons and I managed to catch it and stop it, as one person was getting gas, but of course I got chewed out with the old "WHAT IF SOME ONE ELSE WASN'T NICE ENOUGH TO COME IN AND TELL YOU, THEN WE'D HAVE PEOPLE LINED AROUND THE BLOCK" which is all well in good when if I didn't fix it, but I digress, it's understandable, I ****ed up.

Strike 2: We generally had about 4-5 different people working per shift, 1-2 at a time. On the same shift I was working, some one miscounted or lost cigarettes/lottery tickets so they wrote up EVERYONE on the shift. This was bullshit, but I didn't care.

Strike 3: At this point, my manager was just trying to make me quit. I explained to her that it costs me around $8 to go to work and back, and she kept putting me on these ridiculous 3 hour shifts. I asked her to please **** off with those shifts (not my words of course) and begged for more hours. So, she severely cuts my hours and gives me nothing but 3 hour shifts. So anyway, I had to call off Thursday because I DIDN'T HAVE GAS MONEY BECAUSE OF THIS SHIT JOB. As I mentioned before, I lost my foodstamps, so it was either food or gas, **** those assholes, I'm picking gas. Since it was the second day (first I was in my work uniform and covered in my own vomit before work, as you can guess, that's not going to work out) in a week (yet the only days I ever called off) she fired me.

I'd be more pissed, but it's hard to really care since I was getting ****ed anyway...though my record is even more ****ed than before. Not sure what I'm going to do...but I'm more or less apathetic about it all. A certain person was making me actually feel pretty happy for a few days...but things got odd tonight, idk. Everything is just leading to confusion...and...**** that.

Also, out of boredom/self interest (and the possibility that I might be crazy as **** and thus entitled to a shit government check) I've been considering psychiatric evaluation or whatever, though I have no idea how to go about that. I'm also unsure of how open and honest I could be to a doctor anyway...so i don't see it working out.

To add onto the confusion and thinking and shit, I'm considering going to college. Not sure how or where to start since I'm butt**** broke and only have my GED.

I'm just sick and ****ing tired of getting close to people only to be used or treated as second banana. Sick of being left behind, sick of being treated like shit. I'm so tired of people and I'm just tired of all of this. I don't ****ing need anyone. I can't be a ****ing napkin any longer, give some one my sympathy, help, shoulder.

Just sick.

Not much has changed here, in a bit of a better mood, just accepting that stuff is shit and there's not much I can do, so oh well. Anyway, I had saved up $300 over the past two months to buy myself an instrument. Figured I might as well spend it before i need to use it on other things, shit's gonna get tight as **** til March (at least) but oh well, at least I can start playing again. It's an Ibanez SR 506 which is a middle range 6 string bass. Retails for like $700.



Had my first vehicular animal casualty on the way to meet the guy...damn squirrel.

Sorry about the recent lack of activity...I've just not been in the mood for anything...my life seems to be spiraling straight to hell...

Since we've last talked, my job had been going pretty well, I've saved up a few bucks and so on. But 2013 hasn't been kind to your old friend Lacquer Head. To start it off, my hours have been decimated, and accidentally selling gas for $0.35 a gallon sure didn't help things...My manager wont allow me to close, which is also destroying my hours. So at this point... I'm bringing in pocket change. But to top all this off, family services or whatever decided I don't need food stamps. Lost $170 a month right there. So it looks like I'll basically be working just to live.

My mental state is slowly deteriorating from copious amounts of stress and other mind ****s. Various people stringing me along and the one main crush I have developing a crush on the most pathetic piece of shit I know...it seems like everything I'm looking forward to is just crashing down around me. Nothing holds any interest for me any more. I'm desperately lonely, but I seem to be incapable of opening up to people...even though I want to make a real friend/lover, it seems people just think I'm a joke no matter what.

The one friend I had that respected me as person hit rock bottom, he was quite suicidal and finally decided to go to rehab, so I wont see him for awhile

I've had multiple people say they look up to me, like me and etc only to catch them with some one else. It seems like the only trustworthy people have no interest in me...

I can't even be ****ed to get drunk or high or anything...

Now I just feel like I'm whining...

Been awhile since my last update. I've been a bit of a psychological mess lately...some heavy shit has went down, one of the main components being that the girl I had a crush on is in a relationship... I've just been feeling incredibly lonely lately, and that was the nail in the coffin. I've realized I really have no one to talk to, my social life basically consists of small bits of small talk. Nothing of meaning...but that's more or less been my whole life. It just seems to be getting harder to continue this way...

On an unrelated note, Straight Talk Wireless ****ing sucks, do not involve yourself with this piece of shit of a company. Their unlimited everything plan blocks international texting/calling and pretty much any use you could have for internet access on a phone. No aps, no videos, you can't even attach videos or pictures bigger than 300kb to an email :/ gotta love wasting $120 when you're making shit...

I don't usually blog this often...and I'm not usually so depressing. Anyway, why is it so hard to say the right things to a person you like? My "friend" is fairly insecure it seems...and I'm sucking as far as advice and stuff goes. I'm usually pretty good at lending a helping hand...but I'm too afraid to say the wrong thing. Also a hard book to read sometimes...just so many things going against me, not to mention the fact that said "friend" isn't really interested in a relationship. I don't know the whole story, but another friend said he was in love with her and she quit talking to him, albeit he was a really clingly type. One reason I'm taking so many precautions to not seem like I'm clinging and shit...but it almost makes me come off as distanced.

So, as it stands:

I'm much much less attractive of a person, I'm ****ing up what to say, they live in in another country (though closer than my ex who was in the same country...by about 1800 miles xD) and they're not interested. **** my brain for wanting companionship...

Well, everything is mostly going about the same as before, still crushing and hating myself for it, enjoying the feeling of having a job and so on. But there's one exception...as if karma feels the need to keep me in a certain balance of bullshit, the jobs program that I got my foodstamps through is trying to **** me and my dad over. The deal was that I got to keep them as long as I got a job. We got a combined $255 a month, which isn't much, but it sure as **** helped.

Now that I have a CHANCE to make a maximum of $410 a month, they're cutting them down to $80. So more or less, I'm going to be working just to barely survive. How the **** they expect a person to live on $410 a month with $40 in foodstamps is just mind boggling. This sure as hell doesn't bode well for my school and social ambitions. Now that I'm a certified Class C Operator, I might, MIGHT be able to get more hours in at work, so it looks like I'm going to have to work my **** off just to make it...

As usual, one of my favorite holidays brings me pain. It's not the material aspect (though being the poor kid that got to watch his cousins get tons of gifts an shit kinda sucked) I just really wish I had some one to celebrate with. It REALLY just reminds me of how alone I really am...so I spent the day rather depressed...minus the time I was talking to a certain friend.

Ole Lacquer is killing himself again, feeling feelings for some one he can most likely never have. I'm trying to fight them...but my wall of protection only belies the truth that I desperately want that special some one. We have our differences, but we're pretty good friends and have a lot of commonalities...especially one that is extremely important (and even more rare/hard to find) that we both share. As some of you know, I did go 2660 miles for a girl last summer, which is why I'm SOOOOOOOOO against the idea of a relationship...let alone one formed on the internet. This person is quite a bit closer...but in another country. .-. A good friend of my recommended I just put it out of my mind as to not chase a pipe dream and lose other chances...but even though I'm not really chasing this one, I don't see any reason not to, since no other chances exist. I'm just...HIGHLY out of my league on this one...

I'm incredibly lonely, and today just made it so much worse. I've just been alone for soooooooooooo long and it's just getting more and more painful. Anyway, /whinyrant

In other news, my job is going well, I get my first real check of around $178 on the 3rd, so as long as i can survive gas wise til then, things should be pretty cool as far as money is concerned. The job isn't too bad, other than the lack of lunch breaks or...any breaks. But oh well, gotta take what I can get...

Well I finally started my job, and I have to say it's not so bad. Once I get the hang of working the cash register and stuff, it should be pretty simple. I'll be getting 20 hours once the work week starts (thursday) though if another employee doesn't come in, I'll be working tomorrow night. My first check wont be too shabby :D

I start work on Monday~ Stoked that I wont be completely broke anymore. Hopefully I get paid soon enough to get trashed on the apocalypse.