Well, it looks like this might be the last post ill make here. As ive said before, ive been playing around with web design for a while now and ive finally got around to making my own forum for my own game design and ill be blogging there (its a little more relevant), however.. i cant really go without a more personal use forum (i dont really want people i know seeing how screwed up i am inside, like some of you probably do). So, this may be the last, or it might not, but i dont really post that much anymore anyways. Not like there is really anything to talk about anyways.

However, i do invite you guys to come talk over there (keep it game design relevant, im not here to move people away from TFF, not that i could do that anyways) and ill post a link if anyone is interested. Otherwise ill keep this short I might be round occasionally. Hopefully.

Coming up to my last week here alone.

Ive actually cooked a few meals for myself now. Like.. proper meals instead of just heating up frozen food or simplicities like sausages or whatever. People dont believe me when i say i can cook. Though i almost always take the lesser role in cooking when i do with others, i dont lack the ability. I do lack confidence in cooking with others though. My sense of taste isnt exactly similar to that of others... Or at least those that i know. When i say i like bland food, i dont really mean it. But i can do with it almost forever, if i need to, and enjoy it. When i have a taste that i like, i like it rather strong. Almost overbearing. In addition, i am the biggest sweet tooth. Mixing those just adds problems with others. But ill do some experiementation for myself when i move out of here. That makes a good cook, in my opinion. Being able to make the best food for the demand. When other people are involved, im less than ideal. Just me, easy.

Other than that i have lost a lot of motivation to do things. I havent seen my fangirl for over a month now. She's even away next week because she's working instead of going to tafe. Im proud of her for actually finding something she's enjoying (or at least seems to), but i depend on her a lot. Maybe its mutual, but eh. It might also be the lonelyness of living alone though, too, or both. But im not too bad. Work feels like torture. The 2 hour drive just kills me. Sometimes i dont want to go so bad, i feel like just quitting, though im not exactly going to do that. And the pay is absolutely horrible. I earn almost nothing once you take out all the expenses i get from it.

I do really feel lonely. But i guess.. I dont really feel like its because im here all alone all the time. That.. i dont particularly mind. I think i miss fangirl. Thats what it feels like.

Game dev is on hold atm, too. Aer is currently at the end of one of his pilot license tests, so he's studying hard. And im at zero motivation. We'll pick it up soon :P

Well, ive been on my own a week now. Things for me are... better. Yeah, definitely better. I can at least see how i am emotionally for how i really am. Which is pretty damn bad atm. But that can change.

Im becoming reliant on alcohol again. I dont particularly mind, as i have the money to support it at the moment, as well as still being able to save for a bond for my new house. Which i really need to start going towards.. But motivation... :/

I was looking at some people i used to talk to a while back.. And i cant really see myself being friends with them anymore. Its the generation below mine, i think. They are just... Eh. I dont know how to describe it. They just seem stupid. I wonder if thats how everyone feels about the lower generations. But they have changed a lot since i was talking to them. Is that a bad trait of mine? To dislike people because of their attitude? Im not sure, but i embrace who i am. Ive become proud of that part of me. But I still wonder how wrong i really am.

There still might be a few months till we've got our game's tech demo out, but it does actually seem to be coming along quite fast. I cant wait till actually do my job and put content in. And i really need to get this web design thing sorted -.-

'I wish you could see you're the only girl ive ever dreamed of'

Well, ive missed 2 psychologist appointments now. Its not because i think of it particularly not worth going to or anything, but.. i just dont remember it. Like its not important to me the slightest. I guess ill see how i feel about it in a few months. I dont really want someone telling me what i know i already have, or how to fix it. Theres a few things i can fix myself before then anyways.

While i stay here, at my ex's ive found i have little motivation. I wonder how moving will change things. Maybe the extra freedom will give me the time to do things. I still have thought processes going and stuff, but i havent written anything down in months. Nothing at all. I just.. i dont know. I just want to waste every second doing as little as possible. This whole.. live in distractions thing. I remember a time when i hoped things would just change, like moving to the real world where things arnt so hard.

Anxiety has gone through the roof this last week. Almost unbearably so, but its not the worst its ever been. I dont particularly think that i need music to sleep right now, though it will likely help. Apart from today (i guess ill explain that after), i just find it near impossible to live here. I cant really function. My ex harrasses me with every need ever, i cant really spend a few hours on my own with her here. Its always do this, do that, you suck. Then the occasional 'i think you're an awesome friend' or whatever. I dont want either side, tbh. Im a terrible friend, though i always think of others. Im just.. Uninteresting and i say a lot of stupid things. You guys would know that more than anyone.

She's also dating someone now. He's practically a stoner in every way exept actually smoking, apparently. But eh.. everything shouts wrong, so im worried. But wow, she really likes him, for some apparent reason. He's polite? Yeah.. thats almost creepy, the way she says he does things. Takes one i guess. But hell, im only worried. Her funeral, lol. But she is acting incredibly weird. Like... really damn weird. She was WAY too nice today. WAY WAY too nice. Not like, best friend nice. Like, here, have this. Oh I got this for you. You look sad, i got you this. That sort of weird. Makes me feel like something big has happened and im being softened up. I dont like this.

Back to me? Well, her dating someone is particularly awkward, as you can probably tell.
1. i hate people. Esp those who look like stoners. Dont have anything against them other than the fact that there will be no common interests and they discust me in most ways. So i let them be.
2. I have to TALK to someone like that? Yeah, shy, i know i wont get along, nothing to talk about, w/e. Bad.
3. Someone dating my ex. Yeah, shout massive alarm bells at dont force communication between these two.
4. Massive bursts of anxiety.
But yeah, its been done. Hated every second. Decided to zone to music/LoL pretty much the whole night. Made me seem rude and stuff. But eh, w/e.

Anxiety is locking me up. Right now, i cant really do anything, tbh. No attention span to play games, browse reddit, learn web design, go to sleep. All out of the question. Noones around to talk either, which is unfortunate.

Guess i need to just bear till saturday when she leaves, so im alone for ages. Might be somewhat comforting. I hope, at least. But then when she gets back i need to leave, which in a way, i cant stay here either way. I cant do living with her and having a boyfriend come round.
Which reminds me, people being and acting happy? Yeah, that sort of stuff pisses me right off. Comes with being depressed for so long i guess. But, yeah, more than that. It disgusts me somewhat. Ive been content a lot, but ive only really been happy for a short period of time. Its wrong, i know, but i cant really help it. God i suck, but at least the damage is only self inflicted. I try my best to not let others get involved, or at least effect them negatively.

Fangirl has started messaging me pretty often. Almost daily. It brings a lot of comfort at this time. Just mere messages isnt really enough to keep me calm, but its helping. But i havent seen her in 3 weeks now. Holidays and stuff.. I miss her so much. But even that... Im so scared. I really rely on her so much. She's like.. my anchor at the moment. She indirectly brings me out of anxiety. Well, thoughts of her do. Hope. Hope for things to be better. The only real memories of happiness do it, and all of those were spent with her. But.. I love her so much. Completely infatuated. Cant help it, and i kind of dont want to. I like how i feel. But im scared she can never feel the same. But every part of me believes that its possible. Well, i guess thats obvious. But at the same time scared. So scared. But oddly enough i dont think thats causing this anxiety. I dont know what is, really. I wonder all the time how wrong of me it is to think this way.

But i think ive grown a little. I think, anyways. I think i can live with her merely around, even though ill always want her. But.. We havent even been able to spend that much time together. Im not particularly complaining or anything, because i love the hour we get together per week (most weeks). But yeah, there are so many things i can do with her because she'd enjoy doing those things that i cant alone. Her interests interest me. Not all of them, but most do.

But yeah, im so damn scared. All the time. What if i lose her. What if i dont get money? What if i just crash and i cant fend for myself anymore? What if everything goes wrong, like it always does? Ive felt helpless for so long, that any risk seems to feel so much. But im at breaking point in moving out. I think thats what the anxiety is. It feels like its such a big risk. People just want to screw you over, all the time. They are never in for the random person. Quite the opposite. And im so vulnerable. I know what to do. Im technically grown up enough to know everything i need. But when it comes to people.. I just cant. I think thats it. And for that reason, i think that the month spent alone will be torture, until i do actually move out.

Eh, you guys probably dont come here to read that.

Actually, does anyone really read this? Actually, i dont really care. Its probably better that im just writing to myself, which is what i do anyways.

Just looked up some rental places where i want to live. Its.. kind of expensive, but im going to see if i can find an apartment for now. Aer said he'd want to move in with me, but i dont think he's entirely ready for that right now, and i kind of need to get out within a month. So a monthly apartment lease will have to do me i guess. Problem is, i dont really know who to talk to anymore. No one really feels like.. They have valuble input anymore. No more valuble than my own, i mean. And anyone who does has left. And i dont chase people. Im here for whoever wants me. I will be toxic to noone else if i have my way.

I thought the other day.. About what would happen when i get my own website up and running. Im extremely reluctant to leave this place. Ive been with you guys for over 3 years now? I think. So i dont really want to. Eh, im always thinking of what everyone else would think.

Im still a long way away from being able to do what i want though. Id really like to learn enough that i can earn money from it for furniture or something, since ill really lack that for a while.

I dont know why, but that reminded me of a requestsomeone made to me about computers. Hell, i dont know much about them.. but anything i can do.. But there, spend 20minutes finding stuff for him, but nothing really concrete. Not my best, but i guess ill do more later. Writing seems to keep my mind off things. Yeah, all that useless gibberish does help somewhat.

Im hoping i dont get screwed over being woken up early in the morning to do car stuff... I dont particularly feel tired, but i will crash eventually. Crash and burn, lol. Just hope it doesnt happen before tuesday next week.. after i see my fangirl.

I havent died yet! Now to shower then find something else to do, or something to complain to about my life! Yay!

Im actually finally getting a bit more inspiration to continue developing, not that my interest has gone down at all. I dont know where i was when i last posted, but ive pretty much got a general idea of the UI i want, which only needs implementation to find finetune it all. And thats not really likely to happen for a fair while.

Found a game today that from videos, shows vaguely what we want from the space side of things (which overall can be a large portion of the game, depending on how you look at it) called X3. Bought it and downloading now, mainly for testing purposes, not that it wont be enjoyable. I still really like seeing what others are doing, especially if its going to help me along with my own ideas. And this... just a few LPs on it have given me a fair few pointers on what i want. Its so much more than i can do without a playable game, so its ideal till that happens.

Oh, right.. UI.. Im actually looking to make something as optional as possible for the user. At bare minimum it should be easy to use and have everything a general person could want/need. Then on the other end of the scale i want things to be changable enough in a simple fashion that you can make everything as complex as you want. Not much being given away, i know.. But i really need pictures for that, and its too late to get ms paint out to show you. Though, i think i should have something basic to go by in the demo, which i was told about a month ago that it was about a month ago. Hopefully by late july, i think.

This was all things i was thinking about a while ago, tbh. Its all work ive stalled on till i actually have something i can work with. Right now im in the process of working out ship flight mechanics, as well as how AI ships controlled by you would react to things. Early enough thoughts that im really thinking on how thoughtful they should be or what should make them good/bad in combat in comparison to a player. Id still like a smaller player to have absolutely no chance against an AI fleet, but have PvP space warfare to be still about AI ships making a moderate impact. Seems obvious now that i think back on what ive written, but i cant really go into the detail i am in my thoughts here for some reason. W/E, really. Its coming along.

I dont know if ive mentioned, but i actually have a few people interested in designing a webpage for me for free, although they are still studying. Things that i would pay for if the game itself was actually making money for me to do so. In addition, i have one or two people interested in aiding me in a few structure issues i might have, such as FPS. Im not that into FPS in general, or at least until recently, so extra hands will always be rather beneficial. Urgh, i cant wait :<

Living conditions are going down a lot, atm. My ex is getting a lot more difficult in some ways. Ive literally had almost no sleep for a week now.., The start of which was my own doing (i HAVE to see my fangirl. No question about that) but then being woken up at 8 in the morning by her playing guitar right next to me is pretty painful. This morning.. I had her wake up at like 4 as i went to sleep, only to have her wake me up half hour later for no apparent reason, then had her literally yelling over skype till 8am. I think i only got 2 or 3 hours sleep after she left before sleep became impossible for me at 4pm. Its definitely not as bad as my parents house in a reasonable amount of ways, but things are still relatively difficult for the time being. I have been rejected by pretty much all the jobs ive applied for.. too, so thats not particularly helping either. Ive missed the cut-off date to start uni for this half year..

I have a month to myself here end of next month. My ex is going to america for 4-5 weeks or something. Not entirely sure how thatll go, but it should be good, really. I really need some time to myself. LOTS of time to myself. So it should do wonders for me. Not that im likely to have any doubts about what i want right now, but i still need that time.

Fangirl seems to be going 'ok'. She's started letting a bit of her pain show, though. Her strength has always inspired me, so this is somewhat worrying. But, she seems to be going alright, especially now that MCR have split. I cant wait to be able to freely see her. Its pretty much the biggest thing in the forseeable future that i look forward to. We probably wont really be able to until she leaves home, due to circumstance, and she really isnt ready to move out on her own at all still. I dont actually think she could handle being alone. And i actually expect it to be bad for us initually if she moved in with me without us hanging out a lot first. Everything would just come as a shock. Or at least could. I dont entirely know her standards of living, although im really relaxed about all that stuff. Im not entirely sure, but i think she hinted that i should try and look for a place pet friendly. She's mentioned it a few times when i was talking about here i wanted to live and stuff. Doesnt really mean anything, but i guess i can always hope. I want to be close to her again. We just cant only being able to see each other an hour a week without being able to talk at all outside of that. -sighs- hopes and dreams..

I should really sleep. Probably not going to get a whole lot of sleep tonight though.. And i have work tomorrow. And i was asked to not come back here tomorrow as my ex needs my car. -sighs-.

Either way, im not dead. And yes i am still developing, for those here who are actually interested. Its just slow.. Probably faster when we get something good enough to build hype with, lol.

Dont let the title mislead you that far, im technically ok.

Its been 3 weeks now since I left my parebts house and all the fighting. Apart from the 'you cant leave here till you pay what you owe us' I havent heard from them at all, which is how I like it right now. Conversation leads to them critisizing me which leads to fighting. I really dont need to hear how much of a horrible person I am right now. Or do I ever.. my ego is always going to be pretty low.

Yeah, im more messed uo than usual atm. Few things are keeping me going. But I am still going. I have to find a place to stay most nights. I dont usually try that hard, but its still not a good thought. Right now I'm stuck between moving to the city or not. But I have proven to myself that its a viable option for all worlds. Ive already been driving a considerable distance to work most days, so driving down to see people is easy enough. Either way I need to decide and do it soon.

Its been a pretty difficult three weeks without seeing or really being able to talk to miss fangirl. I miss her like crazy. Ive only really briefly talked to her once/twice. I'm worried about her still, even though I'm pretty much homeless. But eh, lol. I just hope that I can make it to see her Monday. It depends if I can stay somewhere close and have work or not, but id likely go anyways. Nothing has really changed there..

Rose and I arnt talking atm, basically as soon as she got a boyfriend. I was even thinking of taking a loan and just going there, but that seems out of the question now. Its just not the right time. Right now I want to learn Japanese and go to Japan. I see now that there's a fair bit for me there in terms of discovery. Loads to see and do. Should be a good trip if I can actually save for it.

Things are rapidly changing. Game development is about to stage up to the next level, as were about to release a tech demo of the game. I feel I'm familiar enough now with the fps environment to make and valance that environment that people will like. Im pretty sure our flight style will be loved as well, as it should make everyone who can actually fly happy. Still, my main problem is a crafting system. But I figure that will fall into place later. It really needs to work well, as its pretty gamebreaking. Work well, stay in an open style (meaning it needs to be limiting the player as little as possible as well as allowing any made up style to work) and allow varience in quality based on design. Yeah, complicated. Ill get there. But apart from that, its going pretty well.

Actually, in writing this ive come up with a plan. I don't have much time to myself at the moment, so I take all I can get to think before I break down. I have a friend who might benefit a lot from my intervention if I bring him along to the city. I believe he was planning to move in with his girlfriend though, he just lacks the push. Could make a decent friend for this new age.

So, live for Mondays, develop game and plan for the future. Sounds easy enough I guess. Just depends on how easy it is to get a job I guess.

So yeah, i dont remember when i last posted, but im rather sick. Today only, ive used up a whole toilet paper roll (we ran out of tissues, so im using those instead), and ive thrown up a few times. The last time was forced, and im hoping that ends it all. Maybe ill wake up well again. I hope so.. Because im losing work, and my father is taking all my money in between the rages he has at me. Doesnt even matter if im sick, really. All i want to do is stay in bed and lay down but im still expected to do housework and stuff. Ehh.. I feel like im dying.

MCS was amazing. By far the best band ive seen so far. The effort involved is probably whats weakened me enough to get this sick. Probably. I was starting to get better, i think. But eh.

Im starting to get a bit anxious on moving out. I really need it. It should basically make everything good at the moment, or at least, a lot easier. And thats what i need right now, easy. The ability to sit down and relax without anyone hating on me. In saying that, i should stop critisizing others. I dont really do it that much, but its probably all a few people see from me. Im pretty hurt on the inside and i guess thats part of how im dealing. Its terrible, but i just do.

Fangirl seems to be a lot happier. Though off memory, you cant always believe that. Im quite aware she's still in a bad place, but she seems happy around me. We almost run out of things to talk about in our hour now, but thats expected. Ive been thinking about it a lot, really. Im pretty sure she wont get bored of me, but i cant help fearing it. And the last few times its been really hot and ive been forced out of home days prior and probably havent showered. Urgh.. hopefully that doesnt happen this week. Well, really.. i need to get better. I REALLY hope i didnt give her what i have. That would just ruin my everything. But she seemed like she was already somewhat sick recently, so hopefully she's still immune.

Is is bad that i miss her every second im not with her? Right now id want nothing more than to just relax and watch some random movie (MCR live videos would be even better) with her in my arms. To just not stress or worry about anything. Gahh, im such a fool..

Ive got less than a month left till i know if im moving out or not. Less than a month... Just gotta bear through it, i guess. I still have a fair bit to pay him back, and he's only going to make it harder. I can deal though. Its not really something im getting worked up over. But i havent really worked at all this week.

I should sleep. I feel tired, and i cant go back to my room till then, to avoid waking people up with all the coughing.

Not even going to bother with a title today.

As always, ill start with a slight rant..

I HATE PEOPLE IGNORING ME. I mean, i ask something important. They see the message and then never reply. Constantly. Am i just not worth anyones time? Not even a second? I mean, even if its important. Even if you know i have loneliness issues. People that have complained that i vanish on them, when they just vanish with me.
Its not really that big of a problem, but im noticing it more and more now that im not worrying about everything. Its like.. I am actually as alone as i make myself out to be.
Well, not really. I have a few friends (who are new and will likely dwindle off over time anyway) who still talk, but when they leave are they just going to be replaced again? I dont want this cycle. I want people i can trust. And i only really have one of those right now. And even then, she still has to earn a bit of that back.

Also, the place i was supposed to be moving into isnt a definite anymore. Seems they are back into the 'we are talking about it' stage. I dont really mind, honestly. As long as i can get a place of my own (which is easily possible with what i earn now) i shall be content. Friends are always better though, i guess. Even ones that dont talk at all because they have no time anymore. I just need to get out of here. Not just for my own sake.

‎'They say that love is forever
and your forever is all that i need.
Please stay as long as you need
Cant promise that things wont be broken,
But i swear that ill never leave'

She told me to listen to that song today. Sleeping with sirens. The song itself makes me so happy. Its the acoustic version of James dean and Audrey Hepburn? I still havent moved on from listening to it, but i think i should, or the good feeling from it will be gone.

Looking back on myself a few months ago.. Im back to that person id be friends with. Im disliking myself a little less, but its a gradual process, i guess. A few months ago i was so bitter and angry. Now i feel little hatred, little jealousy. Hell, my friends are leaving me.. Yet i dont really care. My parents rage at me all the time, yet it matters little to me. Im not doing anything wrong, my dads just lost his job and is taking it out on me. Leaving will solve a lot of problems. I thought a while ago that id undone that damage that was done, but it seems there was still more. I wonder how much is left. And also, my mood seems to boom mondays, and dwindle down the less contact i have with miss fangirl till i get exited to see her sunday again. But talking to her on msn seems to be rather mood lifting. I wonder if talking to me does the same for her. She's not free, like i am, and isnt as content. But she's talking a lot more now. Thats a good sign, i think.

Ive felt lately that i have words in my head that i could convert to lyrics and make a song out of it. I probably could, if they finally came to me but i cant force them. Im hoping they come. Maybe.

Topics getting shorter usually means im getting tired.

And i think im starting to get sick. Ive had a runny nose for the last hour or so to the point where ive had to go blow it. And my throat is really dry. Usually the sign of the fly or something. But things like that never last with me. Easily gone by morning.

But yeah, may as well sleep it off.

'I cant promise that things wont be broken
But i promise i will never leave
Please stay forever with me'

Had a pretty rough night at work. Pretty much had to do my own job and pack takeaways. So basically, pack takeaways and ignore my job, and then try and finish that as quickly as possible when i have time. Im pretty good under pressure though, so i managed it quite easily. Well, 'easily'. pretty tired after that..

A friend of mine posted a status 'like and ill tell you my opinion of you. Of course, im one of the people who ocasionally likes those things. The response i got was pretty unexpected.

'Ah seph where to begin... I think you are a unique and strange individual, but in the most positive of aspects. You dare to be who you are, you have a high set of morals which you don't bend for anyone. Overall you're a great person who goes that extra mile to help those you care about'

This is a new friend of mine (about 6months). But he's pretty cool. Someone i neglect a little due to wanting to be alone, or the fact that he messages me at bad times. But im in need of new close friends..

Demons is moving away into magilla's house. At least, im pretty sure he is, as he hasnt told me anything, or really talked to me at all in a few weeks. I dont really get replies from the people i called close friends anymore. I guess its expected, after my ex basically forcing me to not talk to or see anyone over long periods of time. They seem interested in talking and stuff occasionally (that being maybe.. once a month?) but the rest i just feel alone. I really... dont know what it is. Ive always felt that im boring and that noone should really want to be around me, but i never expected it to really be true. At least not demons. Though he has really always put everyone else over me when i think about it. He's there.. i guess. But eh. Now.. i just feel alone. The only one here I can really see is Aerideyn and pedo. Both of which are way too busy with life.

This would be entirely ok if i could see my fangirl more than once a week, but ill have to wait a bit for that. I find myself missing her most times i think of her. Its not the ache it was, now that ive seen her but its still there. And she's opening up to me, a little more too. I find, the more she does that, the more i open up to her. At least, thats the trend. We are both pretty shy, inside.

Ive wanted to make something for her for valentines day, but i dont know what. Its harder now, that i know that i wont see her before then. I regret not making something before monday. And then again.. i forgot what i was going to say, or at least, it didnt come. I dont know. Ive met her mum before, so ive been wondering if she'd be accepting of me. It doesnt seem that way though. My thoughts are leading into nervous circles, gahh.

Im not really getting much break from work this week. Im working every second day from now. At least ill end it with $400 or so. Well, that much more than what i have now. If this keeps up, i should be able to keep my parents quiet for a bit.

Im waiting to hear from pedo, actually. He was apparently buying their house last friday, and it sounded like he wanted me to move in. Maybe ill just have to wait till the weekend or something. Im kind of relying on it. And my parents are nagging the crap out of me. Its painful. Their attempts to get inside my head are becoming almost a daily thing. I think they feel like they deserve to know everything about how i feel, but ill never let them in, and they'll never understand like they think they do. Giving them the chance is also anti-productive, because they'll just force solutions on me. Firstworldproblems. NEED TO MOVE OUT!

I think I know now what would suit me best. Not really being alone, but just having one person. Of course, im not going to abandon anyone, but not being alone all the time was great. Im losing the care to try to hard with people, excluding miss fangirl (whom i believe deserves everything). Its just that i dont get anything back. They just dont understand like they think they do. Because if they did, they'd realize how cold they make the world seem. People that i deemed 'worth knowing' (a term i used a long time ago, and a high compliment for me who rarely compliments) making me feel so alone. Eh. Or maybe im the bad person that isnt worth knowing. Who knows.

The only problem with living an almost only nightlife (by that, i mean living in the night, opposed to day. I dont party. Do you even know me?) is that i cant use my good mood to its fullest. Right now, given less silent required circumstances, i would be singing. Yeah, today im happy. Why?

I met with my fangirl today, finally. A few days ago she messaged me telling me how she feels right now. Ive read over those messages many times. Answered many questions, she did. Im not entirely sure if she knew they were being asked. She's screwed up and i make her feel less broken. I dont entirely know how to tell her how i feel. I will, but.. ive wanted to do it in person, really. When i saw her today, she had friends that she'd just made for the mostpart. Oh, i met her at the tafe she's just started at. Kind of like old days, really, but im not waiting out on her all day this time. I just need to wake up early and go see her at lunch time, then either go home and sleep (i picked that option today) or find something to do till work. I only see her for about half an hour, but ill take it. Damn, i miss her so much. Im going next week too.

I dont know if ive ever said this before excluding the fact that i know how my depression works. I lack purpose and that is what gives me strength and motivation. She gives me that. More than that, though. I love the fact that she actively tries to be different. I do it as well, but I fail, somewhat. She just brings me joy. Ive been thinking of asking my friend im moving in with how much she'll be allowed to stay. I know right now thats incredibly unlikely, but she needs to get out of her house. She's actually become a nightwalker, like myself so it should fit all of us pretty well. I dont think she'll accept though. Im getting more work now, and i can probably provide for both of us till she gets a job. Eh, dreams. And she's also put on a little weight, but her beauty still shines through it. Especially her smile. God, she hates it, but i.. ill never forget that. She has two, generally. Both seem true enough, as ive been around her long enough to know when she's faking it.

Although some of what she said has brought some thoughts around her only coming back to me because im the only one left, but i dont think so really. Its just doubt, likely. I generally have a lot of that.

Im finding myself planning things im pretty sure she'll want to do, we only need the chance to do them. But the only way she can really leave her house right now is to lie her way out. It makes both of us uncomfortable, because if she gets caught, bad things will definitely happen. Maybe occasionally seeing her now might be alright, but i guess we'll have to see.

Ive been looking for a song that describes how i feel. This is how i waste time. Yeah, music is kind of a big deal. guess ill try while i write this. I got nowhere an hour ago.

Apart from everything ive said, she looks healthy, at least. More healthy than i am. I let a little slip accidently.. But it doesnt really matter. Im generally fine.

We definitely need more time together. That much i know. Am i obsessed? Ive been... hesitant because ive thought that i am. Im less worried about what people think nowadays.. But i have noone to talk to. I dont trust anyone anymore. I bore them, i know. But i dont think i bore her. And she, being her is always amusing. We have so much to catch on.

Ive stopped at sick puppies. This was my favorite band for a long time around 2 years ago.

Oh, ive found something that describes how i feel quite accurately, but i feel its too obvious. And... apparently it was deleted off my computer. Lucky theres this thing called youtube.

'Sleeping the day away again
And all i ever dream about is you and me
And what i feel inside of me
Here i go, in love again
And oh god help me please if i can make you see
If i could just make you believe
How am i gonna make you see?

I write your name across the sky
Its something i cant hide
I write your name across my mind
in my heart that beats inside'

Ive been thinking about how much my music collection has changed over these past few years. Its actually changed quite a bit. Actually, ive thought of a good challenge for her. Well, more, maybe give her an insight on the above. I wonder if she likes most of my new music. One way to find out :P

-sighs- this week is going to be the dullest thing ever. I might try and see whats going on with all this house stuff asap. Likely later in the week, rather than earlier. I have the whole week free, really. This weeks pay wont be anything special, as im working sunday (which goes into next weeks pay) but next week's should be a 4-5 dayer, which could net me 400ish? In time for motion city soundtrack.

After not being able to move into the city with the new job, seems like i have a different opportunity. A friend of mine is looking into buying a house and said id be able to stay there. Id pay rent and contribute of course, but its definitely a good thing. He's good to live with too. Ive been there before. Stayed with him for a whole.. 4 months or so a few years back. He has a girlfriend now, but that shouldnt be too bad. I can deal. I can keep my jealousy in order, i guess. Not jealous of her at all, just... being alone is taking its toll. Itll require certain adjustments, but in the whole, it will likely be a lot cheaper for me as well. Really depends. Its up to him, really. But i dont really mind.

Hey, its not all bad news :P But i dont have any time to say anything else.

Oh, the title coming from me definitely means everythings awesome, right? HA

Remember me saying that everything has been going wrong so far, excluding the two things i wanted most? Well, for a while now ive thought id only get one. Today i got the call saying that i wasnt good enough for the traineeship, and that im stuck here a little longer without hope. Yeah, i obviously suck. Ive also lost my friend's DS that i borrowed, along with white 2. Guess im giving him my DS now and buying a new one.. :( Thats my own fault though.

Its hard, thinking back on this year. I cant really write here most of the time, due to not wanting to think back. Ive began just powering through metro, letting the fear it brings distract me from my own life. Its taken me long enough to play as it is. Im not that scared, really. I just get to parts where i get a little freaked by something really sudden then leave it for the rest of the day or so. But the monsters here are kind of... Well, they rush the shit out of you and maul you before you can really react too hard unless you're looking for them. Oh, and im playing on hardcore mode for the hilarity. But i seem to be surviving?

I found a website that does a lot of clothes regarding gaming as well. Tried to improve my mood. Only she's done it, really. Didnt expect a reply at 12am. But i think im buying a few, just because pokemon is awesome. And ive capped out net for the month, though it resets in 24 hours. Its enough to get yelled at for, though. I just.. hope centrelink comes through for me for once. I pay taxes, yet it doesnt really do anything for me when i need it. My higher education hasnt really done anything for me, nor any other public services, really. But hell, those 14 year old girls who want to quit their jobs for centrelink money can do it just fine. Eh.

I just wanted you to know, that the world is ugly,
But you're beautiful to me
Well are you thinking of me now?

These two new songs, the world is ugly and the light behind your eyes are hitting me pretty hard atm. The last thing i need is more to feel. But, its better than hate, i guess.

I just wanted you to know
That im thinking of you
Every night, every day.

Yeah, yeah. Im 22, i get it. But today is no special day in my calendar. I know i rant about everything, but not that, not tonight. I probably did last year, anyways.

I finally found the jacket ive wanted in ages. Well, short of leather, this is probably just.. the best thing i could ever get. So, im pretty happy with the $50 i spent today. Though, im not sure how much i have left. Probably enough.

Ive started listening to Stealing O'neal again. Not sure why i love this band so much right now. Maybe because of the memories it brings back with it.

'Dont you wanna be the best part of something, something bigger than the rest tell me and you've gotta be honest'

Cutting it short. Memories of begin given lyrics some mornings and listening to the music she had, in the same order a few hours ago. The simple pleasures.

Finding it hard to post blog entries. Seems like everything i think of sounds stupid or something. But eh, power through it!

I got a second interview, which is pretty pleasing. So next week ill be going up to the city to be there at something like 8am to start an interview. Not really my ideal time to be awake, but it seems like ill have to make do with it. Treat it as a test, as i do with everything else that gets in my way?

Hmm, that brings an interesting topic ive been going over in my head the last few minutes. Things getting in the way of what i really want or love just seem like tests to me. Tests for devotion, willpower or strength. The best example is always my fangirl. Everything she threw at me, id always treat it as if she was just testing how much i cared. But, i think i proved that in the end anyways. Well, not really the end, if she comes back, that is. I think that seems likely.

On her topic, she was applying for a job at my work. That means she left a resume. Which would have an address. Its pretty tempting to look for that, even though i know that i would do nothing with the invitation anyways. The whole going nowhere unless invited thing sucks. But i dont know what to think of it. Is my mind really willing to do things like that?

Something i havent mentioned in a while, game design.

I havent really done a whole lot lately, or.. that last month. Aer is focusing real hard on his flight tests atm, because he's up to a rather big point in what will be his career. After these exams he wont be able to fly for airlines till he gets his hours up, but after this he will be able to fly with passengers and get paid for it. After that, i believe we'll have a lot of time to get things done.

Me? Ive been playing a lot of 4x games as 'research' lately. Im trying to steer my ideas in that direction a lot more, because i believe it will make a better game, personally. I dont really think too much on attracting an audience, as im pretty sure the audience will come. A lot of people want a game like this, apparently. Or so im lead to believe, looking at forums around for other games. So, i need to find myself a technology system. So far, the main points in these games...

Diplomacy is obvious.

Military strategies are obvious.

Further is a little difficult,

I need a tech system that works. Its not the writing of the 'techs' themselves, its more the way you get them. 4x games make it simpler my researching per 'turn'. And this game will be real time. You could say 'fine, have it go up gradually', but i dont know the factors that would increase it yet. Im trying to steer the game waway from relying on NPCs for anything other than defence and material gathering, but that could probably work. A tradeoff on material gathering or technology. One would lead to a greater gain in both in a way, but having both would be more ideal? Maybe, i dont know, but ill work it out eventually. And i dont know if i want our game to be 'winnable' with a tech victory. Its not a fun way to lose, tbh. Turtling will be fairly effective, since i want people to be able to defend what they have spent so long to craft visually.

Theres always a 4th factor. Usually its either wonders or something like that. Dont really know if this will be included, but it probably should be. Ill work something out that works for us.

Im too drunk. Yes, i know im probably doing this too often, but i only drink when im alone. Whatever, i guess.

What ill be using to sleep tonight ^

So, with todays pay, i have money. Hard work (well, less than hardly working) is paying off somewhat, i guess. Im not really enjoying much at the moment anyways. Well, cept for the occasional LoL match. Started playing a few champs i really enjoy. Working decently.

Getting a bit nervous for my interview. It doesnt HAVE to go well, but it will really change my life for the better. Ive applied for a few more and havent heard anything, but as long as i get this traineeship everything should go well. I should really start looking into housing on this side of the city too. I dont really have much of a preference as long as its on the trainline to gippsland, as that will make a lot of things convenient. Maybe ill facebook post it and see who knows of anything. Id really like to move in with people i know or something like that. Would be nice for a change. I can see myself being happy like that.

Haircut tomorrow. I should really take a picture of myself just to remember what i look like now. Its not too great, but eh, excluding the hair at the back i really like the length and everything. Itll be sad to cut it off. If only work wasnt so demanding for it...

Anxiety seems to be going down a bit, which is good. Fangirl still applying for jobs. Where im currently working, actually. But.. they seem to be doing a whole lot more trial business and stuff, and want people with experience. I hope she gets it, or something. I just want to see her :<